THE LORELEY HILL

(The Picture above is the Summer Palace of Spanish Royal Family located in Aranjuez, Spain. There is no connection between the story which is located in Germany with the photograph I was taken sometime in 2002. The Loreley Hill is my translation from the original version writen in Bahasa, Bukit Loreley. I started writing this story in 1997, then I did many changes and corrections, and finally published by Balai Pustaka in Jakarta, Indonesia in 2002)

Karin Juwita is a woman who against the tradition in her family, decided to live abroad, have a degree, being a career woman and marrying a foreign man. All what she did were disagreed by her powerfull and conservative mother who cuted off the family relationship with her. When her marriage with Andreas Linders facing a crisis, Karin had to fight by herself, trying to fix it without any help from her family. Everything seems almost back to normal again, but then came a handsome man who offering her another love...

Chapter One

As we were travelling from Munich to Frankfurt Am Mainz, I could not escape my eyes from the view outside the train windows, where I saw the runing landscape moving as fast as possible. The big green corn field, smaller empty fields with the rest of its burning grass, and the green grass fields which was looked turning down and up, following the form of the hills, everything were seen as if they were moving very fast, just like runing, into the direction against my seating position. Sometimes I could see some old storey homes built from the red bricks and had chimney-shafts on the top of its roofs, gathered together behind the sun flower fields. Sometimes those houses were very close that I could see its small balconies, fullfilled with colourfull flowers, dark red flowers, yelow flowers, pale light blue flowers and white flowers.

Sitting next to me was my husband. He slept with both eyes shuted down and his mouth closed tigthly. I could hear his snore smoothly, almost disapeared between the noise of the train maschine. We were on our way to the Hotel Loreley Hill which was located some where in the Rudesheim village, but we had planed to do a stop over in Frankfrut before continued our journey to Rudesheim, we wanted to see Som Wang and her husband Rudiger who lived in Frankfurt am Mainz.

I am 32 years old on 15th August 1997 which is today. Three years ago, exactly on the same date, me and Adreas Linders were married in a civil office somewhere outside Munich. It was a very simple marriage. I still could remember clearly, the touching moment as the employee from the civil office was reading the personal information about Andreas Linders, my future husband.

"You are marrying Andreas Linders, a German nationality, 29 years old, profession: Engineer, single and doesn't have any children. Do you agree to marry him? Please, answer me with 'yes'"

"Yes", I answered.

Then, now is Andreas turn.

"You are marrying Karin Juwita, an Indonesien nationality, 29 years old, profession: Anthropologist, single and doesn't have any children. Do you agree to marry her? Please, answer me with 'yes'"

"Yes" answered Andreas.

I remembered what I wore on that day. I wore a mini pale pinky colour skirt, a white blouse made from a soft and thick wool material and a very formal short jacket which is has the same colour as my skirt. I was wearing a very big white hat which is decorated with some dried flowers, covering my hairstyle. Andreas was wearing the same formal outfit as Iwas, he wore his dark grey wool suit, with a stripe motives vest inside his suit, covering his white shirt and a very bright yellow tie. His face was calm and relax. He looked at me, his eyes met my eyes, his voice sounded very sure when he said,"Yes, I do" to the judge in that civil office. I was on the other hand very nervous. My hand was bussy playing with my silk handkerchief, and sweat pouring down my forehead, falling into my ears and then my neck, swallowing the nice smell from my perfume. My voice trembled when I answered all of quetionaries from the judge, and my cheek felt really hard when I looked at Andreas as he listened to me with his head sloping down towards me.

I know, marriage is something I had dreamed of, just like many other girls in this world did. Marrying the man we are falling in love with, the man who loves us, and the man who has been our dearest lover since ever. That was my dream. And today, I am marrying Andreas Linders, the man who is not only a clever person but also a very ambitious person whom had been attracting me since I met him the first time atn the University many years ago.However today, I felt something strange in my heart, which I did not know why and how could this strange feelings suddenly occurs. Maybe because the wedding ceremony was too fast, and I think it was not romantic at all. We came early in the morning at 10.00 am to the Civil Office, being seated at the waiting room for a moment before finally they announced our names. And then, were listening to the judge who was reading our pesonal datas, and some rules and some advises regarding our right and responbility being a marriage couple living in Germany. And then, we had to give our signatures to some documents, shaking hands to the judges ans witneses, and after that hurriedly, leaving the room which would soon being filled with some other couples.

My mother was not there, neither my only twin sister, Ratih, whom would be very happy if she could presence at my wedding ceremony that day. It was, not at all, a big huge wedding fiesta which celebrated in a big building, a kind of a wedding party normally all of my families and friends in Jakarta would have done. Not even we could hear a live music played by a group of traditional Javanese artists whos wearing their ethnics uniform or a singer from our home town, singing the old sundanesse songs. I remembered clearly, the last wedding I have attended was my ex campus mate's wedding in Jakarta, name Samira. It was only few days before my leaving to the United Kingdom for my postgraduate education. I went there with two other girls from university who were also single, Anita and Yuli. Samira's wedding was held in Kuningan area, in the South of Jakarta (tobe continued)

THE PINE COTTAGE

( Picture above I have taken in Borchel, Rottenburg. It is a small bungalow, which is a part of a big farmhouse. I made this novel ThePine Cottage sometimes between 1987-1988, but then corrected again and published in Bahasa, its original version,by PT Grasindo in Jakarta, Indonesia with the title Pondok Pinus in 2003)

Fransiska was always haunted by her culpability to her awful relationship with her Dad. The nothingness of a mother figure, Dads rigid attitude, and family’s incompatibility relationship had made Fransiska grow up to be a labile-depressive-and-spoiled girl.
When her father passed away, like it or not, Fransiska had to deal with a new reality: to loose her deluxe life, which she used to have in England, and have to drop out from her university in or to look for a job. The saddest thing was that she had to leave her lover, Robert with whom she wished to marry.
As she arrived in Indonesia, Fransiska met her childhood friends, Tika and Bhaskara, who took her to the Pine Cottage for a holiday, where she finally found a way out for her problematic life.

Part One.

ROBERT

"Come, lie down here", Robert James Craig patted the rocking chair at the side of him. The skies are incredibly beautiful tonight, countless twinkling stars are scattered across the sky and the moon tries to win the night by giving out its every beam of light. I came to him deliberately. I was lying by his side and stretching both of my tired legs.
"Coffee?"
" Yes, please", I replied," But not too strong".
"Do you like it with cream? "
"Very much, it will be more delicious if you put the cream in a little more or a canned milk on the coffee".
"O, yeah, I prefer less sugar".
Not long afterward, Robert came while bringing two cups of coffee, later than we were lying side by side. Our faces stared at the phosphorescent skies, to the scattered twinkling stars.

"I used to move towards and lie down here almost daily", I said, "Most of them are on Sunday mornings or at night-times. Used to.Not any longer, since you charge this room".
Robert laughed quietly. He glanced toward me, bent down his head a bit and stared at me intently. "To be honest, I dont mind if you come up to this balcony, as long as you don't disturb my drowse".
"That counts", I responded," Coming to this balcony means that I have to get ahead of your bed and I have no guts to do it".
"For the reason of frightened to make some noises?"
"For the reason that you are a man".
I stated my mind in a straight line and flatly, as I obtained this value taught in a family and at school. Every so often I failed to remember, whether those words I uttered were appropriate to be frankly spoken, without making someone to whom I conversed have other thoughts.Were my words apt to be expressed by a youngster girl to an expatriate grown-up man like Robert. Even this time, my last remark gave Robert James Craig, a young man who rent out one of the rooms in our house for moths lately, a response. He lifted his body up, and he gazed at my face very close as I could feel every breath that he took.
"I'm just conscious that you are a woman", said Robert as he gave a particular tone to the word woman, personally making me feel reluctant. All of a sudden, a diffident sensitivity knocked me down, I felt awkward, tongue-tied, and I really didn't know how to counter, in the meantime, Robert kept staring at me intensely. Robert finally I sighed, I have no idea whats on your mind at this instant but please dont make me bewildered like this. After all Robert kissed me. His wobbly body dropped on my body, the coffee spilled out to the floor from the cups, which was on his hand. Ever since that day, Robert was always in my heart.

*****

London, 1997.

I heard the telephone rang that morning but none of the people in that apartment answered it. I put down the shower compellingly, covered my body only with the towel, and ran to the apartments corridor to find the table where the telephone lain. As I took the phone, I noticed my elder brothers voice, Edwin, who called from Jakarta. His voice was fidgety; at times the tone was trembling as he tried to manage his feeling, he forgot to control his emotion frequently that he grumbled all of his disappointments to Alfian and I, his two little siblings who went aground in London. Gradually, I felt that the phone turned to be nippy on my ear.
"You two are definitely lousy!" He grumbled. "What are you coming up there, huh You recognize that Dad suffers a severe illness thus we went back home since last month but you have not intended to leave yet".
I allowed my gaze to slide away to the half-open window. The rain had just stopped, the road turned drenched, and the red-bricked terraced houses across the way were shivering from cold. The autumn had already begun but the color of the dense foliaged leaves on the trees that stood along the road remained the same. I tried to digest each sequence of Edwins gripes bit by bit. I attempted to be aware of the situation that he dealt with at the moment since his manners were not common.
"You know, I tried to win Alfian over to come home,"I sought to secure myself. "But he doesnt want to go back to Indonesia. My visa will be expired soon, but Alfian, he can keep renewing his visa as he wishes, he has not finished his courses yet. It will be hard for me to compel him to go home. You also know that he has been dreaming of coming here. He doesnt care if our first purpose of coming to this city is because Dad was assigned to teach here. To Alfian, the most significant thing is freedom, a self-determination that he intends to channel it without boundary and fortunately, in the wrong direction".
"I really dont give a damn on it, Siska. All the problems I am facing up to here have been enough to make my head dizzy. This is my ultimatum I give you, you must get home!" Insisted Edwin while ignoring me. "I believe that there is a daily flight from London to Kuala Lumpur, and from Kuala Lumpur to Jakarta. You can go the last minute flight or ask Jane Simmons to get the ticket. You must return home, tomorrow or this week!"
I put the phone with a dishearten feeling. I dampened my palms with a cold sweat. I felt that my body was so limp. The silence that clutched at this instant made me as if I were isolated in a very dim cave. I know that Dad got insufferable ill but; what should I state to Alfian so he consented to go along with me to come home? Persuaded him? Pleaded him Or did I have to whine to him to let his self-centredness for dad? I even had no idea where he was around. He might be at the discotheque, in Sandra's residence, or floating in Joyce's arms. He was the apple of every bodys eyes; he put his pulchritude up for sale to those rich-but-forlorn young women thus Dad kicked him out from our home a year ago. How about me ?Would I return home? Would I leave Robert and our affectionate bond that was carefully nurtured ?
Going back to the bedroom, I put jeans and white pullover on me. I dried my long wavy hair with the hair dryer and wore it in a ponytail. I went to the living room, sat on the couch, and lit a cigarette. I swayed my thoughts to the reminiscence about our family routine that was jam-packed of quarrelling among us. A clash between Dad and Alfian, between Alfian and I, between Dad and I, and so on, vice versa. Alfian and Dad had an appalling relationship between them but it didnt mean that there was chemistry among Dad, Edwin, and I. What would I know about Dad? He was only a vague impression silhouette. He appeared as a rigorous-looked old man who was out of my reach, a man with the qualities of conservative, strict, and quite arousing. He spent all of his time in the library and at the university where he taught.
He had a deep and flat tone of voice; he often gave very mean critics to every single of our behaviors that he considered erroneous. Dad didn't like Roberts presence in the upstairs rooms balcony either. But Dad suffers a horrendous illness by then. I blew the smoke harshly; he had to use kidney machine in a hospital since the condition of his kidney became worse. What would I say; I had to get home, in the company of, or without Alfian. Besides, I felt quite hesitant if I had been too long staying in Jane's apartment. I sank myself into the couch. I closed my eyes, trying to forget all of my hubbubs from my heart. Until I heard a creaking door, then the tapping footsteps came closer to me, and someone shuddered my shoulders. I opened my eyes. I asked," How was the movie?"
"You look sad," replied Jane without answering my question," whats going on?"
"Edwin just called", I spoke softly. I looked at Jane who was busy to take off her boots." He asked me to come home with Alfian without more ado".
"Youd better get home soon, responded Jane as she threw her boots to the corner of the room, "in any case, your father suffers a terribly ill".
"I know", I reacted promptly," But how about Alfian?"
"Just leave him, isn't Alfian grown-up enough?" Jane stood up, walked to the phone. I didn't know why I felt that Janes response wasn't friendly enough to me that day. "I'll book the ticket for you and Alfian, if he insists on staying here, we can call off his seat".
I didnt reply on her words. I let Jane did whatever the things that she considered precise. As I had been a friend with Jane, she tried to take over my world and control my life constantly.

Jane Simmons had an oval face with greenish eyes. She was medium height and build but she had beautiful blond long hair. Waving dangled to her shoulders. To me, the condition that made Jane become the darling of this towns social scene and be adored by men was her friendliness and her fathers possessions. She was the daughter of a well-known printing house entrepreneur in this country. By the time when my stepmother was still a young woman, she used to work as one of the housekeepers in Simmons residence at Grosvenor Street, besides follow a lecture at Goldsmith University. That was most likely introduced Jane to Mom. And then one day, Dad was acquainted with my stepmother at campus, feel in love with her, and not long after it they got married in London. Jane came to my parents wedding reception. Unexpectedly, my stepmother and Jane had a close relationship, despite of her age that was twelve years older than Jane.

At that moment, Jane and I were eighteen years old. And since that day I was also heaped over with gifts by her, accompanied her once a while shopping to Oxford Street, or just hung around at the café in Covent Garden. Truly, Jane was a friendly girl but she needed a close friend, a trusted friend whom she could depend on. She found a grip in my stepmother and when Mom married to Dad, Jane took me as her substitute. I acknowledged several returns being Janes best friend; take for instance on my last holiday when Jane knew that I suffered bronchitis; she took me to Cadiz during the winter to get pleasure from the warmth of the sea sand. Thus we could avoid the Londons freezing weather that I could feel the chill in my bone. It really gave me a fascinating lasting impression; on the contrary, I sometimes regretted myself as Dad got sick and flown back to Indonesia together with my stepmother. Edwin caught up with them a month later but Alfian and I still kept staying here.
As my arrival from Spain, Alfian mocked me overtly. He called me as an imprudent daughter by having fun while Dad suffered an excruciating sickness. However, I was totally sure that what he claimed was not what he intended to. In fact, he was simply envious on my luck. He was hunting for Jane so that he could be part of her deluxe living standard, as I comprised but I also carried on a guilty for my inanity. I suffered culpability that haunted me still. Alfian and I tried to get all of our documents prepared so we could return soon. Alfian had not finished his business studies while I was in my sixth semester in Journalism specializing photography. Well, I could only make the plan. Alfian changed his mind and insisted to stay in London. For the moment, I was vacillated between my eagerness to get home and my aversion to leave my close friends, as well as Jane and my steady boyfriend, Robert. Besides, Jane repeatedly persuaded me to concur on Alfians idea to postpone my homecoming and recommended me to stay in her apartment. Since that day, Alfian faded away to wherever he wished for.

Nevertheless, Edwins call this morning made me aware of my liability, which woke up from my very long slumber. I had to go home. I had to go home. Now Jane had changed her mind. She no longer compelled her hearts content to held me back in her apartment.
I saw Jane had finished calling. Her face was so dazzling. "Fransiska, youve got to go to the travel agent near the Victoria station tomorrow, the flight will be this Thursday".
My heart pounded, "That soon?!" I blurted out, as I couldn't believe what I had just heard. As usual, she was never concerned about the question I asked, she dialed another telephone number," I'll try to find Alfian" said Jane without being asked to do so.
I turned my body and drowned my face to the cushion. I dropped my tears on my cheeks. Oh dear, how charlatan I was! Whom I was crying for? Dad Or Robert? My hand tried to reach something from the table. The Gauloises box that half-opened still laid on the table. But Jane went back to the couch where I stretched out and shoved that cigarette box aside from my reach.
"Dont you dare touch that"! she snapped, "I need to talk to you seriously, Fransiska. I tried to trace Alfian but I could not find him anywhere. The last time I met him was in Joyce's residence, you know that girl, don't you? Here, I have no idea what evil possessed him but he said that he agreed to come home with you this week."
I was startled. I wiped my tears and stared at Jane, as I couldnt believe in what I heard just now. "Could you run that by me again?" I asked her over.
"He is a good boy after all, he is now aware of what he is supposed to do. Or the police have sniffed his illegal job here",

I responded swiftly. That quite made her chuckle.
"Mmm, by the way about the movie Ive watched", Jane drifted her talk away unexpectedly, "a very romantic movie and full of humane principles. You know the flow of its story, dont you Its about Iris Murdoch, a woman writer who was influential enough in British literature but her private life was a bit wavering?. She busied herself looking for a love, either from her husband, from her secret lover, or from her steady girlfriend".
"Was she a lesbian?"
"No, she was a bisexual", said Jane.
"A woman who makes out with another woman is called lesbian, Jane". I responded her as I stood up and tried to sit on the couch.

" So whats the matter ?of it Sometimes love does not require a sex difference. Iris was a bisexual because she had a husband and a steady girlfriend too".
"Whatever you said", I murmured silently. I could not focus my mind now. I saw in my mind's eye Dad who lain helpless on the bed in the hospital. However Jane kept babbling without thinking about what was on my head.
"How lucky she was having a devoted husband who always sat beside her until she passed away. Do you know what I am thinking while I was watching that movie, Siska? I saw myself in the future. If later I am not getting any younger, wrinkling, being senile, or suffering from Alzheimer like Iris, I want to have a husband like John Bayley who will always sit beside me with his entire patience and love. A husband who will remain love with me even though I hurt him, deceive him, and insult him over and over again"
"Jane, I retorted, what you call for that is a slave! "
"So, what will you do?" Jane asked abruptly to vary our conversation.
"I'll see Robert".
"Are you sure, Siska ?"Jane seemed so startled." Its late at night and its cold outside. Besides, he is now at his parents home which is out of town. "
Janes description was so clear and detailed. I stared at her inquisitively. "How did you get all that information? You didn't go to a movie with Robert, did you ?"
Jane seemed jumpy;" I called him at his office this afternoon. Please don't look at me like that, Siska! I just wanted to say hello to your sweetie and asked him if he'll be in London or not this weekend. I've been thinking to spend my weekend with both of you."
I didn't raise further query, lets say for instance, why didn't Jane ask me? It would be so peculiar to be jealous at my own best friend who helped me a lot. Anyway, why did I have to be jealous at Jane Simmons who had a stock of bunch of guys with various backgrounds in her life ?
Getting up from the couch, I reached a coat and a blue hat, saying goodbye to Jane, and leaving her stock-still alone in the living room. I'd got to see Robert right away. Wherever he was, I had to see his face for the last time, and gave full rein to my longing for him. I chose not to let him knew my coming. We did sort of thing occasionally. A surprise.

*****
Jane was right. The night was getting very late and awfully cold. That was definitely foolish hanging around at the town in this freezing night. Opportunely, I found a taxi driver who would bring me to Basingtoke. I hurled my body against the back seat, sank my head into the warm hat, and the shadow of Dad began to turn up. Our Dad was given a new post abroad for his credibility as a lecturer who was badly required. Edwin and I went to the university under British governments grant. Dad financed university fee for Afians only. While Dad quarreled with Alfian, he had to throw him out from the house, Alfians living expense kept on going.

Our house in Jakarta had already been sold many years before. The money that we got from its selling was utilized to renovate Grandma's inherited house which we lived in now, an antique house situated in the edging between Jakarta and Bogor. Only Edwin, the only one from three of us who could understand and respect Dads beliefs besides my stepmother, even though he had to give up his own opinions and personal feelings. Before Dad sent Alfian away, our house was just like a hell. No days without quarrelling. Dad rarely spoke to me. There wasn't any significant thing to be wrangled between us, besides there wasn't any noteworthy achievement of mine that should be flattered either. Dad was too hectic to carve up his attention by the same token to the three of his children. Moreover, I was stirred by my bronchitis and Janes dominance on me. One for sure, Dads persistence and nothingness of Moms tenderness for many years had figured me to be worrywart, shaped Alfian to be a rebel, and characterized Edwin to be subjugated. We were humans with fragile hearts.
Up to this moment, my stepmother could not restrain the influence of Janes dominance on me for the reason that my stepmother respected Janes father, her former boss. Truthfully, there wasnt any drawback making Jane as my best friend. She didnt demand much, she granted my necessity, and piled me with gifts. However, every so often she messed about my hobby in photography, which sometimes sadden my feeling. Taking for instance, when we were in Cadiz, she forced me to include her photos when she posed on the beach into my gorgeous and artistic photo collection. Of course Janes photos finally screwed my work of art as a whole. Those photos were supposed to be in the calendar or sent to Hustler magazine. So, its better I left. I didnt want to be a scrounging object to Jane Simmons eternally.
The taxi driver whistled cheerfully. He looked like an Indian immigrant, his face seemed hard but his eyes glow was kind-hearted. I didn't need to be afraid to a guy like him.

" Here we are, Miss". Said the taxi driver, scattering my recollections.
I paid the fee that was printed on the fare-meter, said thanks, and walked through the drizzle heading to a red-bricked house with white door. That taxi driver still oversaw me until Robert opened the door for me, later he waved his hand to me.
Robert stood in front of me, dressing a beige pullover that was in the matching color of his jeans and also the same color of his hair.
"Fransiska.." he said my name with a particular tone as if he hadn't believed his own eyes. He opened the door, helped me to take my coat off, and hung it to the coat hanger on the corridor's house. "Hows surprised of me seeing you coming". Said Robert for a second time.
"Whom are you expecting to? A witch with a flying broom ?"
He laughed. He opened his hands and drowned my body into his embrace. "Surprise!" as if he told himself. We walked to the couch in front of the fireplace.
"Please sit there, I am watching TV while having a cup of tea. You looked so pale, I'll make some tea for you too".
I followed his suggestion. Sitting near the fireplace while staring at the flames that licked the flue, and giving the warmth in the room. I met Robert for the first time when I was nineteen. His kiss at the balcony at the starry night opened a door of my new life. A living of the adulthood. A side of life which ,was previously an anonymity to me, that often asked my huge curiosity. Three years had passed by, and up this day, I still considered Robert as an exceptional man. I admitted that his face was good-looking with his sharp nose and a pair of dark-blue eyes. He had broad shoulders that were suitable with his slightly built and tense postured body. When we fell in love, Alfian mocked me by saying that I loved a man without a past. Of course Robert had a past, I knew that, but a fragmented past.
What I discerned that, there was a woman whom he considered as a mom who lived single-handedly in Basingtoke adopted him. His life was quite apprehensive since he didn't feel like to be dependent fully on his mom. Robert was finishing his study in Anthropology and working at a small office in London. Formerly, he lived in a small apartment with other two students namely Peter and Andrew, sooner then he rent a room on the second floor of our house, later than he moved once more to another section in London city that was closer to the place where he worked.
I saw Robert came while holding a tray with a teapot and teacups on it. He sat beside me and put the tray on the spread carpet in front of us. With a cup of Earl Grey black tea on my palm and sat precisely faced to the fireplace, a comfortable and warm turned up in me. I closed my eyes. My heart was agonized. Dad was ill, I worried that. And I had to go home. Going home. The burning woods were crackling and crowding the room, the dark fires gloominess seemed to dance hastily on the wall.
"I've got to go home", I said at last.
"Going home?" repeated Robert bit by bit," Whats on earth! Why are you coming to see me in this cold night? Why Fransiska ?"
I looked toward by turning my head. I stared his face deeply.
"Tell me", cajoled Robert yet again, "I won't punish you," he continued with a teasing tone.
I gulped down my last tea. Its warmth crept through my throat. "Where is your mom? asked me".
"She stayed overnight in her friends house out side the town", interrupted Robert impatiently. "Ok, now, what do you want to let me know?"
"I'm going home with Alfian this Thursday and that means, there will be three days more left since now".
"Going home"
"Yup. Returning to my country. Am I supposed to be at home since a month ago?"
Robert got silenced. His eyes sight pointed at the fires shadows.
"Dad suffers a terrible ill, added me, Edwin called me and Jane has confirmed the ticket plane for Alfian and I. We've got to go home, Robert, there is nothing that we can wish for here."
Robert kept quiet. I had no idea on what he was thinking. The sadness that I thought would knock me down within this kind of moment, now just vanished.
"Well, I must be off now! "I blurted out while getting to my feet," Good bye".
I moved to the door, reaching my coat and hat.
However, when I was about to put my hat on, Robert had moved towards and snatched those two things from me. "Are you nuts!" cried him, "You can't leave to Jane's apartment now. There won't be any taxi, whereas my mom takes the only car in this house! Besides, there are still left things that we should settle down before you really leave me unaccompanied here".
"But I must pack my stuffs" I besought," I have to cram my clothes, set up the whole thing, and Ooh! Robert!"
I burst into tears. Robert held me close. Letting my tears roll down his shoulders. We would be detached thousand kilometers far with no exact time limitation. When would we see each other again ?Would that be promising ?
"Please stay for a night here", said Robert," Tomorrow I'll accompany you to Jane's apartment".
There would be nothing left to be argued any longer. I suffered a wearisome ness and a severe vacillation. Robert brought me to a room, said a good night, and left me on my own in a deathly still solitude. Shortly, I heard the phone ringing, afterwards Roberts voice caught up conversing to the caller. I presumed it wasn't somewhat a nice conversation as I heard Robert snapped and griped several times. I buried my face behind the pillow. I really had no idea on what I sensed at the moment, everything seemed whirling vaguely.
"Fransiska, do you wish to know who just called all of a sudden?", Robert stood up on the edge of the doors room. His soaring shadow looked as if it was dancing because of the light of the fire on the hearth behind him.
"No, thanks". I answered back flatly.

Robert looked startled. He looked intently at me as if he didn't believe in my inattentiveness that he considered unusual. We looked each other in a mean time until the end Robert stepped over from the threshold towards the bed.
"You don't really mean to return home, do you?" asked him huskily. He sat next to me, took my hand and kissed the back of my hand gently, "I still can't believe that you'll go away this soon. Bah! I dont give a damn! I love you. You've got to know that! "
I didn't react. I let him caress my hair, bend his head and kiss my forehead, then move his lips to my cheeks and slide his lips to my lips. He gave a tender and caring kiss that turned to be more fervent. Any kind of feelings was mixed up into my mind. Despondency, wretchedness, disillusionment, and hubbub. I reached Roberts neck and pressed his face against my breast. I yearned for him to feel the sadness in my heart, to feel gloomy as I separated from him. I felt my body shivering while he was holding me tight and warm. I pulled my lips passionately. My mind was so frivolous and floating. I hadn't known idea to where I should find a place to stand on. I let myself adrift and buffeted in the sea like a worthless object. Nothing that I could think of other than Roberts presence physically that was so close and ardent. Let the morning come, let the sunrise warm the world. They would not bother me.

*****

Part Two

Edwin

Jakarta,1997.

Edwin welcomed our arrival at the airport. Outpouring of gloominess was on his face. That day he had got some dim clothes, black jeans and a long-sleeved black shirt, attaching the mood of the gathering to be more poignant among us. When he saw Alfian and I at the arrival gate, my elder brother did not wave his hands to us at all. He just stood still, folded his arms over his chest, and sought coldly and blankly. His tall body soared noticeably among the crowd of blissful smiling faced people who picked up their acquaintances or relatives. For a moment, I felt the heat of the air that was stinging, the air of Jakarta, I supposed, how poles apart with the murky and cold Londons weather that I just ran off. By means of saying nothing, Edwin helped us to drive our trolleys containing Alfians and my luggage and traveling bags, and showed us where he parked his car. No hugs and kisses, no friendly smile, apparently he still got angry with us.
Edwins car was an old maroon jeep that was looked unpolished by the dust covered it. The profile of the tires was already thin and hardly seen, with the exception of a round black tire full of scratches and dried mud spots. I saw Alfian who furrowed, his sight was captious enough to stare at that old jeep, but he said nothing. While putting the luggage and the traveling bags into the car upholstery at the back, I heard Alfians grumbles, making a problem out of the excess baggage because of my outfits. Indolently, Edwin opened the front door for me, and the back door for Alfian. The roaring machine from the car started to deafen my ears. Alfian began to doze off, stuck out his legs to the rear window and put his head on the pile of luggage and bags. A moment later his grunt was heard racing with the roaring machine.
“How was our Dad?” I asked to break the silence.
Edwin kept his mouth shut. He concentrated his attention to the open road ahead then he sighed. The edge of his lips trembled slightly that lately his husky voice stammered, “What should I tell you?” asked him rhetorically,” In the end, I can not ask myself; just believe it”
“I don’t catch that” my voice was heard as if it floated on the air. My own instinct gave me a foreboding of something bad. My heart ached.
“Dad has passed away, perhaps only few minutes after you check in at the Heathrow Airport. If your plane hadn’t landed in emergency, your arrival wouldn’t have been postponed for two days yesterday.Dad has been laid to rest” He gave an intentional stress on the word has been. As if he had purposely castigated us for being late to decide to return to Jakarta.
Silence. Hush. Slowly but sure, I just stumbled on the answer of why Dad’s silhouettes always hunted me lately. Why did my mind was always full of hesitation and guilty feeling to him The feeling of emotion that I held out since then now was overflow. I leaned my head on the side of the car. I burst all my tears to the window. Edwin’s left hand reached me, took me into his embrace.
“We all lost him,” he said sadly,” Not only you”
What should I say I also knew that I was not the only one who lost Dad. However, the feeling of regret, a very deep guilty feeling that made me shed tears. What had I conferred to Dad I hadnt had any chances to make him happy and proud of me, I supposed, but Dad had already breathed his last breath. The more I brought my tears to an end, the more I burst into tears. Edwin tried to calm me down with fine words over and over again.
“I feel terribly guilty,” sobbed me,” I haven’t talked to him since my coming from Cadiz.”
“We all feel culpable,” said Edwin tried to cool me down,” Who haven’t quarreled with their parents, huh? You, me, Alfian, we are all just the same with those teens. Sometimes they have, you know, like chalk and cheese opinions with their parents, and that divergence often cause the wrangle, alike with what we had been through!”
“But not a never-ending quarrel,” I broke off,” a never-ending quarrel that makes us stay away from each other, a very childish clash that none of us wants to give in to our Dad, except except you! “
“Believe me that Dad forgives all of us,” said Edwin to calm me down” It would be unfair to let you bear the sin on your own. What we can do now is praying so that he will rest peacefully in the hands of God”
Edwin was suddenly silent. Now I could see tears ran down from the edge of his eyes. “I’m sorry for not telling you immediately I am so mad, I’m also afraid that you will call off your homecoming to Jakarta if you had known that Dad has passed away”.
“Whatever that might happen, we surely have to return home”, I said,” But you have a right to get mad”
The journey we took was pretty exhausting. Living in London for years, getting used to the fast traffic that was facilitated by the undergrounds, making me a skeptic while looking out to the heavy and jammed road. We drove along the stretched highways and flew above the surface of the city to the southern Jakarta. In certain parts of the road, we had to crawl and puff under the heat of the sun. Sometimes our old car choked off again and again and its body shook very hard, making us who sat in it looked like as if we had moved rapidly to all over the place.
My reminiscence recalled to the old house that was handed over from Grandma to Dad, previous years before our moving to United Kingdom. A house typified of the great architecture of ancient Dutch, characterized by its firm pillars. That house had four upstairs bedrooms, a living room which functioned as a family room as well, and an enormous dining room downstairs. Its floor was made of the dark red tiles that would be extremely cold during the rainy season but would be comfy and cool during the hot season.
I remembered the time when Grandma was still resided in that house; the thoroughfare headed for Grandmas house was poor. Many huge rocks and holes scattered around the road. We had to stop many times in front of the railway track since the old dirty train carried vegetables crawled like a snail. But everything had changed then. This world would always vary, wouldn’t it? Since ten years ago, it had been many housing complexes built along the area near our house. The road was smooth, fine, and various transportations were now easily to get. An old train used to carry vegetables hadn’t been around any longer and the train was replaced with a modern electric train.
Edwin slowed the car down, turned to the rocky way, passed the tall black gate and stopped in front of our white house. That house was still like the first time we left it. Huge and enormous. The tall wooden windows with their white window sills which were well cared. There were pots of various colourful flowers on each balcony, dense, and looked fresh to welcome our coming. From the upstairs rooms balcony, the stalks of dark purple and pink Bougainvilleas were dancing to follow the rhythm of the breeze. While some of the Poinciana trees grown up higher and dense, and their red flowers seemed to spread out covered part of the grassy topsoil. Afterwards, I saw my stepmother came out to meet us, walking briskly to go down the porchs stairs and attempting to help me opening the cars door.
“Hello! Welcome home!” saluted her; she opened her hands widely and ready to embrace me. However, those two hands were just on the air for few seconds and hung limply.” You two guys are fine, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, we are just a bit tired!” I replied, flashing me a forced grin. “I did not know why awkwardness turned out among us. That was a very strenuous ride, locked in the hotel for hours, under the heat of the Jakarta’s sun. Phew, I probably not get accustomed anymore to the weather here “
I saw Mom grinned, “That’s all Edwin mistake, you should have taken a cab or air-conditioned bus. Your ride would be much comfortable”
All of us were silent, stock-still to stare at the ground covered by Poinciana flowers petals. We really had known any other ideas on what we should talk about during this unpleasant atmosphere.
“Are we at home?” suddenly Alfians voice was heard from the backseat. He just seemed to wake up from his deep slumber.
“Since fife minutes ago”, reacted Edwin,” Come on and get out, I’ll bring your luggage inside”.
“Hows life?” asked Mom to Alfian.
Alfian didnt respond back. He just mumbled and grumbled vague words. Afterwards, he banged the cars door while saying,” Where’s Dad! Is he still at the hospital or hiding himself at the library ?!”
“Alfian,please” interrupted Mom.
“Ugh, don’t try to teach me Mom”, retorted Alfian “Just take care of this old sardine can. When will you buy another new car, Edwin? Along the way, my ears can be deaf hearing that roaring scrap iron machine! Not mentioned the Jakarta’s hot and stuffy weather!”
“I am about to make it up,” said Edwin.
“Really?” I asked
“Yup, surely I’ll make it up with a corned beefs can”, said Edwin, “flashing him a sour smirk. Isn’t it better than a sardines can?”
Mom and I dripped a soft of voice laugh while Alfian kept grumbling. Sometimes, Edwin could drift a serious conversation to be enjoyable and minor, even though he still kept his serious face. Most likely, that was the reason why he could mingle with anyone easily, whether with Dad, stepmother, Alfian, me, or his other friends. I saw Alfian turned his back then walked to go inside the house, and slammed the door with a bang.Mom turned her face to me, her face turned to be so pale.
“See, what would you do now, Fransiska?” asked her.
“I want to go to bed”, I said,” I still suffer kind of jetlag.”
“Allright then,” said Edwin, “You’d better have some rest and I think Alfian will lock himself in his room until dinner. ‘Ill go back to the office straight away”.
“To the office?” I asked dumbfounded,” You are working now? Where ?”
“Since two weeks ago, at a life insurance company”.
“But it isn’t suitable with your academic background, is it?”
“I know that,” said Edwin cautiously,” This condition
that force me to get a job without more ado”.
“But actually I have frequently prevented him to do so”. Interrupted Mom
“I also count that,” said Edwin,” I love this job. I didn’t feel any kind of strain when I decided to work as a salesman at the life insurance company. But certainly do, ‘Ill manage to find a better job that suitable with my skill and academic background I have”.
Edwin sank his teeth into his lower lip and his eyes sight turned to be gloomy yet again. He was a quite good-looking guy actually. He had black and full eyebrows, shading his pair of bright eyes. He dressed neatly with matching colours all the time. One thing that made him stay away from women was his broadminded contemplation, which could only be comprehended by a broadminded woman resembling him. Sorry to say that he hadn’t found that lady until now.
“Well, I must be off now!” said Edwin once again ”See you later!”. He got inside that old jeep in a hurry, together with the ear-deafening-roaring machine, he left us, taking the dusts to the air.
It was almost eight p.m. when I finally woke up. Mom must have already wrapped up her cooking and prepared the dinner. I went to the bathroom on the spur of the moment, splashed the entire of my body with the cool water, and dressed myself up with a pink blouse and a white short skirt. I would feel at fault if I did not lend Mom my hand, though for me it wasn’t sort of an obligation. Moreover, if I recalled the memories while we were still residing in England. At that time, we were hectic with our own businesses that we were seldom being at home. Mom felt so friendless. I admitted that Mom was a good and mature woman despite the fact that only a year older than Edwin. We frequently felt ill at ease when we had to call her Mom. It was maybe because she was young, or perhaps because she was an unfamiliar person in this family.
When Dad chose to marry her, none of us, his three children, who objected to it. We did not feel that we were that egotistical children who did not give a damn to their parents delight. Furthermore, Dad had been a widower for years; he certainly called for a new spouse. Honestly, I was quite unconvinced whether she could perform as a mother, and was able enough to handle us as adolescents. Did that woman truly love Dad and not regret to her marriage soon after? Thanks God that those worries were only in vein. Since Dads wedding reception, we understood that Larasati was the most suitable partner for Dad. She could get along with any body. To Dad, Edwin, and I. I supposed that there wasn’t any much trouble for her to get along with Alfian. In fact, he always called her Mom. They had somewhat a strained relation because of Alfians pigheaded-and-inconsiderate character. I shut the rooms window from the harassment of cold wind, and went downstairs to the dining room.
“You finally woke up”, I heard Moms voice in the midst of the dim light of a lamp.
“Has Alfian waken up?” I asked her while sitting next to her.
She raised her shoulders.” Perhaps in a moment. How was your sleep?”
“Horrific. I was bothered by the grief-stricken dreams all day long”.
“Regarding Robert…?”
I was lost in thought. Robert That name reverted to whine again in my ears. I felt as if my face became so frozen. Luckily, the dim of the light helped me to put my shifted expression out of sight. A vague noise of a roaring machine was barely heard coming from the yard. It must have been Edwin. Correct, a few moments later I saw him go through the room, grinned his friendly smile and took a chair beside me right away.
“You haven’t taken a bath”, I complained.
“You know”, said Mom, “Since he has been working, his bath time is shifted to after dinner”.
“I see I really have no idea that you run a new convention in this house”.
“You would not tag on breaking your habit, would you, Fransiska ?”asked Edwin over me.
“For instance…”
“For instance, mmm ..going out to parties with Jane and breaking away from your duty to wash the dishes and…”
“You are pretty good at mocking me, aren’t you?”, I responded coldly.
Mom seemed to raise her hands, as if she had tried to break up the teasing between Edwin and me. She was probably afraid that the teasing would end in a fight. Perhaps, she considered this day was not a proper moment to speak a lot since we were still be in mourning for a death in our own family.
“Hello!” Afian suddenly came out and took a chair next to Edwin. He seemed to have taken a bath. His face looked fresher than this midday. I hope that his attitude would also become better, I thought.
We had our dinner in a silence, trying to like the quietness that was crafted. This dining room was not excessively big actually but the ceilings were high just as the other old houses had thus our voice was heard echoing. The lamp that illuminated so dimly created our shadows on the wall.
“I just knew that Dad is passed away”, said Alfian breaking the stillness”. Karim who told me. Karim, our gardener, but not from one of the members of this family! “
“How could we inform you that Dad is passed away?”answered Mom vigilantly. “You didn’t give us a chance to tell you”
Alfian fell silent. He ate his meal ravenously. He was surely so emotional.” If I had known that Dad has already passed away, what’s the point of coming back here! “Alfian asked rhetorically. “Isn’t my living in England is much better than dwelling here?”
“You regretted your decision to come home?” asked Edwin harshly.
“Indeed” exclaimed Alfian irritably;” It’s useless that I come home only for facing Dad’s past remembrances”
“I cannot understand the way you think,” I cut shortly,” You only thought about yourself, yourself, and again yourself, then. where do you put your bit sensitivity towards Dad? Don’t you feel guilty to every bit of your attitude all the way through? Don’t you have it in mind asking yourself what have you devoted for Dad? What Moreover, you do up your misdemeanor by clashing with Dad when he is not here anymore?. You..”
“Shut up!” Alfian snapped me, “You are not even much better than me. Ooo, I know who you really are Fransiska, You sobbed made-up tears! The truth is that you dont weep for Dad, but what you are crying for is your parting with Robert!”
“Please,” Mom tried to break the quarrel up but Alfian seemed to give her no attention. He gulped his drink, and went on saying.
“What had you done on the very last night upon approaching our departure, huh ?I knew that you spent the night at Roberts residence. Do you think that I am an idiot? I was seeking to call you but Robert stubbornly hampered me! He is devious, Fransiska, just like you!”
Like a volley of gunfire, Alfians words were running harshly, stabbing right on my heart. Alfians censure was so extensive and irresistible, giving unfair judgment regarding to my actual faults. His pitch sometimes soaring, turning down at times, or even he punctuated extremely rude verbal abuse on me. He began to sully Robert and me in front of Edwin and Mom. He enlightened how liberated I am living there, showed Robert as barely one of the philanderers who loved to give much false flattery, and so on, and so on. When I could not stand to listen to what he said anymore, I left the dining table and ran upstairs, heading to my room. That night was so drain and cold, the noise of my yowl echoed, bounced back from the walls of the room. I struggled to conceal my personal life from my Mom, Dad, and my two elder brothers for the whole time. Conceivably, throughout the time I let my family see me as the youngest Fransiska, the innocent daughter who were pretty and cute. Living in the Europe and having a social relationship with European youngsters had opened another view of life for me, particularly regarding to the intimacy between a man and a woman, involving a love and a freedom of life. And at this instant Alfian exposed that entire secret matters. I admitted that I was wrong. I did confess I was. Why did I pursue my desire to stay at Roberts house at that time Why didn’t I answer the phone call from Alfian? Did I feel sorry now? No. I discernedwhat I had done. I loved Robert. Loving him with all my body and soul. What I regretted recently was Alfians immature manner seeing me as a worthless person.
“Fransiska”, I took notice of Edwins voice from the back of the rooms door, May I come in
I gave him no answer. My tears had been slowing down.All of the feelings had mixed up together in my heart. Disappointment, irascibility, hesitation, or even a throbbing sadness. I saw Edwin get inside into my room, standing in the midst of the dimness of the night.
“Will you say anything?” said Edwin tenderly, “Tell me that those are only lies! And we will trust you”
“There is nothing left for me to say”, I responded as I was still sobbing,” Haven’t you yourselves heard clearly from Alfian?”
“I want you to deny them,” said Edwin once again.
“I cannot deny them, Alfian is right!” I begged, “Now please, leave me alone”.
I saw Edwin who stood up in vacillation. His eyes were lusterless,” Oh, my dear Fransiska “
Since Roberts first kiss at the balcony, my thoughts were concentrated only on that blond-haired guy. Frequently, on a clear summer night, I walked on tiptoes to the balcony passing through Roberts bedroom that never unlocked. Lying on the rocking chair while holding a big cup of black tea, staring at the skies full of stars. I imagined if Robert had showed up unexpectedly, and had been surprised for my being at that balcony. However, he never showed up. It was late at night and I had to go downstairs to my bedroom, still I didn’t see him coming to his place. I began to presume that my first kiss at the balcony was barely a laughingstock. No more than a mockery from a grown-up man to a green-inexperienced little girl. I might be right on the point that I was not an eye-catching girl. My body was too skinny, my face was undeniably pale, and my hair was extremely drenched and sheer, dangling dimly to my narrow shoulders.
Until one morning, I found a piece of paper slipped under my rooms door: I will move to the dormitory next week, there will be a friends birthday party on Friday night, be there! I miss you, Robert. In the afternoon, I had already been among the crowd of hundreds of people, who moved quickly around the underground station, running to run after the tube headed to Southwark. The dormitory where Robert currently resided was near Thames River, on a path facing a park with a stoned floor and a small pond with its fountain and a black stone sculpture in the middle of it. That afternoon the weather was humid but not an icy cold. A violist girl was playing classical music in front of the bookstore at the side of the park. From the outside, the dormitory building seemed peculiar among the buildings around, stood far above the ground with its red-bricked walls and wide four-sided windows that looked dazzling because of the light of the lamp from the inside. While passing some opened windows, I smelt the whiff of fried onion that showed cooking activity in the dorms kitchen. I pushed the button from one of the doors that hanged Roberts name. A second later, I heard Roberts voice followed by the whizzing of an automatic door that was opened from the inside. While going upstairs, I saw Robert stand waiting for me; he put both of his hands in his trousers pockets, a friendly smile was on his fresh looking face.
“I knew you will come”, he said while giving light kisses on my cheeks. “Sorry I couldn’t pick you up, I just had my belongings arrived a half hour ago. Now, my room is still in a mess, an awful mess”.
“That’s fine with me”, I said,”Where’s the party?”
I saw him grin,” In the kitchen”.
We went to the kitchen, which was on the right wing of the building. The kitchens size was quite spacious, a wooden kitchen table and marble clung all along the letter-L-wall. The closets had slight and small doors, and the dorm dwellers names were on them to mark their authorized territories. There was a huge dinner table together with its eight Formica chairs too, a large refrigerator, and an undersized television set on the refrigerator. Robert introduced me to his new fellow citizens in his recent dormitory :Jeihan, a young man from Tunisia, John and Peter, both of them were from Liverpool, Ibrahim from Tanzania, Kim from South Korea, Pedro from Brazil, and Paulo from Argentina. Besides his seven friends, there were three more guests coming to that kitchen. All of them were women. Catherine with her red hair was John’s sweetie, and the other two girls were Pedro’s acquaintances. The one with the glasses and cute appearance named Angela, and the one with curly hair named Inez, both of them were from Italy. That night was Pedro’s twenty-fourth birthday. The party was tranquil and pleasant. Pedro made Caipirinha drinks for us consisted of lemon, sugar, ice, and schnapps.
Besides a choice of wines, beer, and soft drinks were also served. For the nights menu, Angela made spaghetti with the sauce made of the mixture of cheese, egg, milk, onion and garlic, watercress with tuna for the appetizer. There were many kinds of chocolate cakes and paprika potato chips with the flavour of salty, spicy, and brackish on the kitchen table. The party went on until late at night. We took pleasure in listening to the story of a journey from John who just came back from his long holidays in Tanzania together with Ibrahim while the melody of swing from Frank Sinatra was heard playing in a slow rhythm from a CD player on the edge of the kitchen table. As the clock struck half past twelve, I nudged Robert’s waist and gave him a sign to let him know my intention to go home.
“Do you want to go home?” whispered Robert on my ear.
“Where else should I go? I still cant afford to buy my own house”, I replied.
The milieu on the dinner table was not as lively as it was before. John stepped aside to the kitchens window with Catherine and got pleasure from the full moon while holding close each other. Ibrahim and Kim put their high concentration to the chessboard that was laid randomly among the dishes on the dinner table. The music from the CD player had turned to be a more dynamic melody, more beating than Eminem, making Pedro and his two other girl friends dance in front of the refrigerator and they kept chatting. Jeihan had already gone to his room. Only Paulo and Peter who were still sitting with us, kept on conversing from lecturing system, breaks between semester, to extracurricular activities that they were doing recently and those they would do later.
“Next winter I will play squash again”, said Peter went on conversing with us. “I heard that our campus would open another new sport room to play squash. Hey, do you want to join, Robert?”
“Sounds a good idea”, replied Robert,” I haven’t played squash for some times. During the summer I usually prefer to ride a bicycle or row a canoe but in the winter we need an activity done in the warm hall, don’t we?”
“I have a friend who still goes on bicycling even though in the winter,” added Paulo.” He is able to keep on bicycling until the temperature below minus ten degrees! I thought that that guy was so unfortunate to buy a ticket for a bus or an underground so he had to keep on bicycling during the winter. Recently, after I knew him well, apparently he has two sedans which he leaves them parked on the garage”.
“He must be addicted to ride a bicycle!” said Robert, “I admire to that typical person because it shows his tough physical strength. Isn’t it healthy for our heart if we get used to let our body moving a lot? modernisation has turned many people to be indolent, always riding a car to go somewhere, in the office block constantly using the escalator or lift, as the result we rarely exercise our muscles”.
“At the end, our body turns out to be overweight,” I said,” Keeping on expanding until our bones are frail enough to hold the weight of our flesh and fat that adhered to them, and our hearts are so exhausted to pump”.
“Yeah, you are right Fransiska” said Peter substantiating me,” The statistic shows that an overweight people have a great chance to risk a heart attack and high blood pressure, and other diseases comparing to the people who have an ideal weight”.
“If it is so, I have gotten a heart attack!” exclaimed Paulo abruptly, next he pretended to fall smack on the chair, with closed eyes and his two cramping hands put on his chest. All of us were laughing at what he did.
Peter attempted to open both of Paulos closed eyelids while saying, “Helloooo anybody there?! Should I pour a glass of Caipirinha to your face therefore your heart
attack will be gone?”
At the same time Robert tapped his fingers around my waist while saying,” Lets get out from here. I really don’t want to get involved with Paulo’s death in the dormitory kitchen”.
We stood up, said good night to everybody including Paulo who was not long after time awakened from his death. We later walked along the dormitory’s corridor. In front of Robert’s room door; we brought to a standstill. We stood face to face, I saw Roberts face bent down staring at me.
“Stay here, he said, don’t go home”

*****

Part Three

Alfian


The warmth of the sunshine initially awakened me from my slumber. Apparently the sun rose excessively punctual thus the earth knew how to swift the sunlight hours well and smoothly. At the beginning the sun appeared partially, and at the height of few degrees, had awakened me in this clear morning. From the outside of the window, I heard Edwin warm his car machine. The rattling of that old car was so raucous and ear-splitting, shattering the morning silent abruptly. I ran to the window, opened it so wide and leaned on the fence of the balcony. I saw Edwin wave his hand to me.
“I’ll stopover at the cemetery before going to work,” he said without being requested,” Do you want to go with me?”
“What time will you go?” I asked. Out of blue, I was mindful of my unfulfilled obligation, coming to see Dad, Dad’s tombstone.
Edwin looked at his wristwatch at a glimpse, “In about half hour, hey come on, you can still take a bath and have your breakfast in the car, can’t you?!”
“Certainly!” I shouted,”You’ll wait for me downstairs, won’t you ?I” turned my body round and ran to the bathroom. I decided to wear the dim coloured jeans stretch and a black sleeveless shirt. Frankly, Edwin’s friendly attitude just tranquillized my emotion. My grief in a minute evaporated to the air. After all the things had already done, I immediately ran downstairs, swooped down and seized a slice of bread and a cup of coffee milk. I approached Mom who gave few instructions related to the gardening to Karim in the kitchen, kissed her forehead and walked to the garage.
“Don’t you have your breakfast at home!” asked Mom half shouting.
I turned my head around,” No”, I said,” Edwin suggested me to have my breakfast in the car, well, cheerio!”
I heard Mom laugh a while behind me. At the backyard, Edwin had already seated behind the steering wheel.” Get inside! We have to go right away!”
I followed his order, sitting beside him while keeping finishing my breakfast. Fortunately, when that sardine can began to stir, I had already finished my coffee so it didn’t spill out.
“Will our ride to the cemetery be far?” I finally asked.
“Mmm Dad’s grave located near an old graveyard which is not far from here. In fact, it takes only five minutes to reach there. Conversely, I have to be at my office on time”.
I fell silent. There would nothing that I should ask.
The road that we took was not as fine as I thought. Even though the street had been coated with the smooth asphalt, in some places there were still mud holes extended to the central of the road.
“Did you see Alfian?” I asked him over.
Edwin took aback.”I saw him jogging alone this morning, you don’t feel kind of vengeful to him any longer, do you?”
“I don’t know,” I said flatly.”I forced myself to smile, However, his attitude is rigid by nature, even since he was born”.
Edwin’s was burst in laughing together with the end of my sarcastic words. “Don’t you forget that he is your elder brother by nature, Siska !” he finally said.
Not long after that, we had arrived in front of a dim-short gate. A gate confined a boundary between the teeming of stunning life and the silent atmosphere of the deceases. The roaring of our car machine seemed to tear that silent. I immediately jumped out of the car, looking at the shelter of frangipani trees that gave coolness. Edwin came after me, took me by his hand, and drew me to get inside that gate.
I felt my body faint all of a sudden. My knees were shivering, my inhalation was suffocated. I felt that I yearned for crying and shouting Dads name, requesting for his forgiveness to all the things that went off between us. On my head, recollecting once more all those hard days when I had to argue with Dad at the dinner table, when I had to cry for my disappointment to his attitude that I considered too autocratic. However now At this time I missed him being here, longed for his rigid and deep voice, and his constantly cold expression.
“Every time I remember Dad, I also bear in my mind a culpable feeling to him,” I said in a low voice as if I had had talked to myself.
“We all feel guilty to him,” said Edwin tried to calm me down, “You don’t have to be that troubled”.
I bent my head down. I stared at the brownish damp soil that sank half part of my shoes. Edwin might probably be right, a guilty and a blameworthy feeling were just feelings in a vain since we could not do any other way to put it back into working order. As if he could have read my mind, Edwin said, “What’s worthier now is how we can face the life in an advanced. On how we are able to work against this life’s defiance single-handedly without any financial support from Dad”.
I stared at his face, I saw Edwin’s empty sight looked at the brownish pile of earth in front of him. “It must be hard for you now to take all the responsibilities over us. You are compelled to bury your dream at the first place for a while, or maybe forever, to prolong your study abroad because you have to work”.
Edwin shifted his sight. He held in his fist tightly,” Fransiska”, he said, “at the end, It is unfeasible if you let me strive unaccompanied. I need your consideration and Alfians, concern that our living is not the same as when we used to be in London. Our Mom in her early pregnancy. With my salary for only little Rupiah, I just cant afford for the prolongation of your study and Alfians. I wish that both of you think about looking for a job soon”.
Hushed. The sentence, which Edwin composed was successfully dragged me to be conscious from a long pleasant dream to an unbreakable arduous reality. Is it so arduous I smiled bitterly. Dropped out and had to look for a job in a youthfull times certainly was not a pleasant dream for all teenagers from around the world. Nevertheless, we were not alone, there were thousands or even hundred thousands of teenagers who experienced the same fate as us, perhaps worse than that. Living in this country became harder and harder, the competition turned out to be more challenging too. This is a real life, Siska and this isn’t a reverie.
It seemed that yesterday I enjoyed life without any responsibility, or worries about tomorrow would bring but then suddenly, I lost all of them. I lost Dad who for all these times supported us financially, which guaranteed our prolonging study, loosing Jane Simmons who brought me in to the gleaming life in London, loosing my dream to extend my study to Oxford or Cambridge, loosing my dream to get a proper job in London, and loosing my dream to be right next to Robert.
“Look!” Edwin whispered in abrupt, “Alfian seems to feel the same thing as you do! “
I took aback. For the distance, I saw Alfian ran slowly to come closer to our way. He was still wearing his suit for jogging, shorts and a white t-shirt, and sneakers. He was out of breath, the sweat was pouring forth from his two brows, and his sweat also soaked part of his t-shirt. Not long after that, he brought his jogging to an end, walked bit-by-bit headed to us then stopped right in front of Dad’s gravestone. Now I could see very clearly tears running down on his temples. What an implausible view I had ever seen in my life!
“I feel regrets so much”, said Alfian as he sobbed and as if he had addressed it to himself.
Perplexity knocked down, Edwin and I. What could we say to him? Comforted him? Oh, he deserved to cry every single thing of his attitudes for all these time. He had already been grown up. He was twenty-five year old. Finally, Edwin decided to guide us to pray for Dad, going along with Alfians heartrending weeps.
“Do you want me to drive you home?” asked Edwin to Alfian. Alfian shook his head. Apparently he still yearned for pouring all of his feeling there. Edwin and I directly went to the car. Once again going along the edge of the asphalt road full of holes and be trapped in the silent. The dramatic alteration of Alfians attitude absolutely surprised me. His usual attitudes that always were rowdy, inattentive and emotional, vanished all of a sudden. If it went on like this, I feel kind of putting out of my mind last night incident, even though that was really agonizing.
“Do you still remember Tika and Bhaskara?” asked Edwin to break the silence, “Our childhood friends before we moved to London”.
“Off course”, I replied,”How is Tika, my little best friend”
“Your best friend?” asked Edwin partly mocking me,” You don’t even reply her last letters”.
I fell silent upon hearing his words, and tried to remember when I received the last illustrated postcard from Jakarta. There was even one that missed the address to Dad’s office but ever since that moment I was surely indolent to reply the letters from Tika. Yet again, there was another culpability that haunted me still. Though Oh, what do I say, “its all because of Jane, she was too much dominating every bit of my time, consequently I had no time left to write letters for Tika”.
“Jane or Robert?” asked Edwin as he gave me a side-glance and smiled.
My face blushed into red, both, perhaps!
“Every time I am on the way to the office”, Edwin said,” I always pass the section where they live. My office is in Cilandak, only few blocks from Tika’s and Bhaskara’s house. Sometimes, I am deliberately turned my car to go by their house, well just to recall our childhood when five of us rode bicycles at their spacious garden or played with the swings. If I am lucky enough to see Tika at the terrace, she will wave her hand to me”.
“Oh really? What does she look like now “
“Much prettier than ten years ago but she never changes her ponytail”.
“And Bhaskara?”
“I haven’t seen him for a while but Tika said that he has already been a veterinarian and he is expressly getting away to Mandirancan Village in Cirebon to take care of his cows.”
I chuckled. I remembered how we called Bhaskaras look as a telephone pole. His body was so twiggy and tall with his very dark skin so that we called him a telephone pole. Moreover Bhaskara liked to cut his hair very short, almost bald, making his body as a whole like a black match. What I could bore in mind was that Tikas brother had a pair of sharp eyes like the eyes of an eagle and they often glared if something had annoyed him.
“I feel kind of missing them,” I finally said.
“Do you wish me to bring you to their house?” asked Edwin, “As long as you haven’t gotten a job yet, you still have plenty of time to visit your old friends and build up network in Jakarta. Besides Tika’s house is not too far from my office, I can fetch you after work”.
“But we haven’t told them that we will come for a visit”.
“I’m sure that Tika is still in her holiday and now shes working with her flowers on that wide yard,” said Edwin,” Let me send her an SMS now and wait for her answer!”
I didn’t reply to what he said. However, my longing to see my old friends was much bigger than coming back home soon. Just in case if Tika was not at home, I could go to the shopping mall and buy several daily needs there. In a short, a beep from Edwins mobile was heard; Tikas answer had been received. I am at home, you two just come and visit me. See you soon, Tika.
Meanwhile, our car had moved to leave Cinere region line and went through the Cilandak region. This was a very lackluster outing; too bad Edwin went through this daily. A traffic that always overwhelmed Jakarta caused the trip to be time-consuming and maddening. Finally we passed by the shopping complex, went through the housing complex and stopped in front of a big-tranquil-coloured house. Edwin was right, Tika was sitting on the terrace while reading a magazine, and when she saw us coming, she jumped and ran to welcome us.
“Fransiska!” she called while unlocking the fence,” When did you arrive How’s life? Okay? Wow you look changed!”
“I am very well, thanks,” I said,” Oh, do think that I am changed? You seem like ten years ago and your ponytail. Edwin was right when he told me that your haircut has never changed”.
Tika wobbled her ponytail proudly,” Come inside! We can share more stories indoors, do you want to get inside too?”
“Where’s Bhaskara?” asked Edwin,”Since I set my foot on the motherland, I haven’t seen him for once”.
“Coincidentally he is on his time off,” said Tika, “So he got away to Mandirancan. He told me that there are many cows that will give a birth these weeks”.
“I am much eager to know the place where he is hiding,” I broke off,” Is that place far?”
“Umm no, its not as far as you thought. Our villa is located in the middle of a pine-wooded area, on the Ciremai Mountain slope. You’ve got to get there sometime Fransiska, of course it has a atmosphere with the city of London”.
I raised my shoulders,” As long as I don’t bother that telephone pole”.
Tika chuckled, “You seem to remember with his nickname, don’t you”
“Well, I’ve gotten to reach my office by now,” interrupted Edwin, “Do you wish me to fetch you after the work, Siska?”
“No, that’s okay, I said, I can go home by taxi, besides you must have gone home quite late at night and frankly I don’t want to wait for you too long”.
Edwin raised his shoulders, said goodbye, and ran his roaring machine car. Tika turned her head to me and stared at me. “Come inside,” she said, “I bet there is something wrong with you”.
I followed her. Coming to her house and sitting on the rattan chair near the garden, which split the family room and the living room. Tika was gone for a while and then she came back to bring two glasses of icy orange juice, she finally sat in front of me with her serious look.
“What’s going on?” asked Tika followed by a special tone on her voice.
“What’s going on?” I repeated with half unbelieving. Afterwards, together with my consciousness, I burst into laughing, laughing at her gag, “Don’t you dare Tika, I really cant catch what you mean”
“I am serious,” said Tika firmly,”Your eyes have lied. You are not happy nowadays, aren’t? you I mean your feeling, your heart”
I kept myself into silence. I looked into her face with a doubting reaction. We separated for years too long and when we made a contact for once, I wasn’t quite sure that my intimacy with Tika was still the same as it was ten years ago. However, I really called for someone to talk, a friend who was eager to listen at me. I saw Tika who reached a cigarette, lit it and stubbed it out almost immediately. She couldn’t take her eyes over me even though a billow of smoke she billowed forth leisurely hampered her sight.
“To be frankly,” she said,”I do more intense contact with Edwin, and Edwin has talked a lot with Bhaskara. There are several things that we have discussed, about our life, your life, and also Alfian. About everything! That is why, even though we rarely communicate each other, I still feel so close with you, Siska. Bhaskara and I truly put our considerations on what you are doing”.
“Oh really? Did Edwin also told you my pathetic life living there?”I asked ironically.
“Of course not!” replied Tika unswervingly, like asking an apologize for her effrontery to dig up more information about my life through Edwin, ”Aren’t you, I mean both of you, happy to get a pleasing life there? Studying abroad, plenty of money, and you, you got a new best friend who spoils you like her teddy bear”
“Her name is Jane Simmons,”I said,”Without her, I wouldn’t have enough guts to hang around in London. But it doesn’t mean that I enjoyed all the facilities she gave me, I don’t even have some problematic lives that caused me stressed”.
“Edwin said, you have been sent to a psychologist”, interrupted Tika, “Do forgive me for being so dare without your permission but is it true?Are you being so tortured living in England, Siska?” I threw my sight into the trees, which now were swaying under the "breeze on that little garden. Honestly, I hated Tikas question, I extreme disliked her excessive curiosity, which I considered to have bothered my privacy. Whatever it took, Tika was still Tika. Being only my friend or my childhood best friend, she was never tired to consider me as her little sister.
“Throughout this time, I only get a little stress, and all began from my incapability to work out with those little conflicts”, I said as I tried to explain the things for her, with my low and careful voice,”For instance, Dads character that I cant approve, different opinions with him that end up with quarrels, and when Dad got a very serious ill and went back to Indonesia before I met him, making me so desperate. Not even counting my young stepmothers presence, including Janes domination on me, and my emotional quarrels with Alfian, but as I told you before, everything has come to an end, as I would expect. Edwin has promised me his serenity and conviction that Dad had forgiven all my sins to him. My stepmother is not as wicked as I thought previously; I can even have a friendly relationship with her, and Jane doesnt impose too much domination on me anymore. My dependency on her lessens gradually. This morning, I felt that my bond with Alfian seems to get better”.
“And how about Robert?”
“Robert?”I said that name once more. I loved him. I loved him. And that name would always hunt me to wherever I walked off, to wherever I hided myself. I didnt think that there should be something to be concealed. I needed a listener, and Tika offered herself to be a good listener. I told her how far my intimate relationship with Robert, from a naïve innocent girl and later to be an anxious girl to find out more about the mystery of an infatuated relationship between a man and a woman. I felt myself less burdened after telling everything to her. What I let Tika know was nothing but the truth, a truth that I had made the love as a goddess, deified Robert so I put aside the reality. I saw changes to Tikas face, first she was surprised, later she felt sorry, afterwards she gave me a comfortable and relaxed feeling that poured my weary heart.
“Alfian called Robert that night,”I said flatly,”He seemed to throw his swearing to Robert. I heard them quarrelled quite long but I didn’t give a damn. I just couldn’t go home. I felt so poignant that night. Robert will be out of my reach soon and I cant take that way I love Robert with all my heart. But yesterday, Alfian revealed the story of all my life with Robert in front of Mom and Edwin, and I couldn’t stand with it.”
“I understand your position,” said Tika tried to calm me down.
I flapped my hand nervously,” No, you don’t understand. Surely you must have considered that I have changed from a naïve girl to be more liberal and free because of my surrounding. You are wrong. You are totally wrong, Tika. All this time I am a girl who keeps myself to be introvert, I am Fransiska as I used to be, but since my acquaintance with Robert, everything has changed so rapidly. I overviewed this world from a different angle. Whatever I made out with Robert, I did it with my full consciousness and clear mind, and I won’t claim anything to him because love is not a matter of compulsion even if he has to set his heart to another girl”.
“You are nuts!” exclaimed Tika angrily,” Off course he has to be responsible on what he has done to you. Just wait for him, a year, two years, if he really loves you, he will propose you”
“I don’t have a right to bound him”.
“If you say so, then you are the one who is fool”,Tika answered emotionally,”You are supposed to warn him from the start, a serious risk to go own steady with Fransiska. He can’t treat you as he wishes, besides, how if you are pregnant Siska? , he must marry you after finishing his study!”
I sank into the silence. I let Tika pour all her thoughts from her mind. She has a right for it. She was my closest friend who knew me well for years. It is her own decision to let herself to be involved into my personal sticky life. But I was sure, Robert would return to me. But I didn’t know when…
*****
Part Four

Tika and Jane


The Pine Cottage, That name didn’t ring a bell in my ear: Name that portrayed quietness, coolness, and serenity. When we made our mind up to go there, the season had already changed into a rainy season. The temperature turned into nipper than usual, and soggier, reminding me to the city of London’s weather. Up to that time, I had never imagined that I would visit that place but Tika kept nagging me. Her promotion was not even a halfway given. She further gave me all of her praise expressions in favor of that Pine Cottage. Besides, to Tika, getting a rest in the Pine Cottage could remedy the tensions. It was good, to her, visiting far-flung places in Indonesia that their gorgeousness was comparable with the villages in Europe. Was it true I really had no idea, I was quite pessimist handling her persuasive promotion when she kept badgering me. It wasnt wrong to have it try, was it Having a holiday in Mandirancan Village while accompanying Tika spending her semester break, in the meantime I could have more time to make plans for my future. Besides, the mood at home got better within these six months. Alfian and Mom were very well, working out their life in a normal rhythm while Edwin was still busy looking for job vacancies.
I held my backpack tightly. It contained a camera together with its zoom lens inside, the one and only valuable thing that I owned. Tika fell asleep beside me , she seemed not to be bothered by the bumpiness and the tossing of this old car that we rented. The road went steadily upward, getting closer to the mountain, and because of it, the temperature became chillier. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Nevertheless, what came into my sight was so thwarted, thoughts of my vague upcoming life. Well, of course Id get a job. I had to look for it, just like what Edwin was doing at this moment.
“Haven’t we arrived yet?”suddenly Tika scattered my recollections,”Have you seen a monument with a tiger figure on the top of it there?”
“Not yet, but please don’t you sleep, lady,”I grumbled,”I have no map on my head about this place”.
Tika laughed. She set her seat properly and she never took her eyes off the scenery on my side for a moment. “That’s it! She suddenly shouted, Look right in the front! There is a tiger sculpture as I told you before!”
I peered my eyes. Right like what Tika told me. Precisely in the middle of a small park located in the intersection, there was a monument made of a sedimentary rock formation. A black-stoned tiger figure stood on it. That was an eye-catching object to be recorded. However, it was unattainable for me to get out in the middle of our way at the moment. It was getting dark and we really hoped to be in the Pine Cottage as soon as possible. A vision of a cup of hot tea and sweet fried bananas filled up my thoughts.
“Is it still far?”I asked her over.
“I don’t know,” Tika answered, ”But if we have seen the tip of the pine woodland in a distance, it means we are not too far from my holiday home”.
I hadn’t seen a single of pine trees and the weather got so cold to the bones, the wind blew quite harsh from the side windows that we deliberately opened. I dressed in short pants with wide pockets that coloured khaki, a pair of white sneakers, a thin-white-cotton blouse, and a base cap with Adidas written on it. Tika seemed to be more prepared in handling different temperature between this place and Jakarta. She wore a dark-blue-sleeved shirt, bell-bottom jeans and a pair of special-tracking shoes.
“Look at the front, Siska!” She unexpectedly shouted.” That’s the pine woodland that I mentioned. We will stop two hundred meters from the tip of that wooded area, and then we turn to a small path for about one kilometrer, after that we continue to walk hundreds more meters until we reach the Pine Cottage. I’m afraid that this car will not bring us to the front door since it is too late at night, is it okay with you?”
“Hundreds meters?”I asked her questioningly,”Hopefully, you just make a joke”
Tika chuckled,”It is not as far as what you are thinking, you will prove it later”
Two hundreds meter afterwards, our car turned to the rocky path. The path was tortuous and the pine trees on the right and the left side of the road seemed to tie up like ranks of soldiers who performed a parade on the yard. Our driver began to grumble, he frequently looked at his wristwatch, showing his aversion to take us to that remote and dark place. Finally we were brought to a place where Tika had pointed before. In the outside, the scent of the pine leaves was whiffed. The road was soaked and slippery and the wind blew rather harsh. It made me shiver.
“Hopefully, you wont suffer a bronchitis,” said Tika. She was busy to put her backpack on her back.
“Not as cold as London”, I stated to lessen her worries,”Unless if the rain falls,”I rounded my camera over my neck while I set my backpack properly on my back. The sport shoes I wore at this moment were qualified enough; the sharpness of the gravel was not really sensed. We walked through the quite pine wooded area at a snail's pace. Fortunately, Tika brought a flashlight with her so we could distinguish that path better. Fifteen minutes shortly, we arrived at an ironed gate that split its private area with the pine-wooded area.
“The yard is quite spacious,” said Tika while opening that ironed gate,”The cow penis on the back, separated by the vegetable garden, but the cottage itself is so small and old-fashioned”
On the contrary, I set my heart on that cottage. Two-story cottage with its medium sized wooden windows and bunch of little flowers that crept up the wall. Electric generator lamps kept going on their obfuscated luminosity to indicate that someone was inside. Yesterday, Tika had sent Bhaskara, who fortunately stayed here, a short message to let him know our coming. Nevertheless, Bhaskara did not picked up us at the station as what Tika had asked him in her message. Tika knocked the door with annoyance.
“Let me scold my big brother!”she said furiously,”How could he let us drag our feet at this night?”
I did not respond on that. Still, he filled my heart with fuming feelings regarding to what he had done by abandoning us negligently. How did he look currently? Since six months ago, since my arrival to Indonesia and got nothing to do at home, only Tika who often visited me after finishing her course from her college.
Tika turned her head,”Nursimah who habitually takes care of this place together with Ranko my dog, if Bhaskara isn’t here. But I guess Bhaskara has a walk with Ranko at this moment”
“Why don’t you knock harder once again?” I said it almost at the end of my tether, “May be there is someone else inside”, I began to loose my patient with this time-consuming and unorganised trip. Bhaskara who suddenly did not pick up us, a driver who was unwilling to take us to the cottage because he ran out gas, Tika who always slept during the way so I felt kind of lonely and bored to death. Hmm calmed down Siska, this was not London where everything could be provided on time and well organized. Tika followed my idea. She knocked the door while shouting Nursimahs name. Not long afterward, the stomping footsteps came closer and a teen-aged girl finally opened the door.
“Wheres Bhaskara?”asked Tika as she pulled me to the inside.”Why he did not pick us up this afternoon?”
“Mister Bhaskara left since this morning,” said the girl in a very modest voice, “There is a letter for Miss Tika on the dining table”
Tika was silent,”I thought that you are not in your duty for tonight, are you?”
“I am no”, said Nursimah,”I am just being asked to stay until Miss Tika comes”.
“Alright then, you may go home now,“ said Tika,” Don’t forget to lock the gate”
“Don’t you want to have a dinner?”
“No, that’s fine,”replied Tika.”We can cook by ourselves, today Is Saturday, isn’t it? You are supposed to be in your house. Pity of your boyfriend, he cannot spend his Saturday night with you”
I saw her cheeks blushing in red. She directly took her umbrella that lied on the edge of the room, asked permission with a softly voice, left us and walked through the dark of the night.
“Where does she live?”I finally asked,
“Across the street, not too far from that curve before entering that gravel path”, explained Tika.” Will you kindly to take my backpack, Siska and go upstairs. Our room is the one that faces the rear, to the cow pen. Ok, I will boil the water and prepare the dinner. What would you like to drink ?”
“Coffee,”I said,”Not too sweet, ok?”
I took Tika’s backpack and went upstairs through the wooden stairs that hooked up the main room underneath with the second floor. The fact was that this cottage was truly undersized. The first floor consisted of two rooms only. One for the living room, and the other one was for the kitchen and the bathroom. The second floor consisted of two bedrooms and a small room that was filled by the piles of books. The most attention-grabbing one was the bare ceiling so that we can see the row of brownish roof-tiles and the wooden beams that held the ceiling. After putting the backpacks in the room that Tika was pointed, I went back to the kitchen. I saw Tika sitting on the dining table while reading a piece of letter.
“From Bhaskara?” I asked her as I sitting near her.
Tika smiled bitterly,”Just read this by yourself. My brother is unerringly a big-headed man!”
She handed me the letter. Meanwhile she stood and walked to the kitchen floor to pour the boiling water on the coffee. It was just a short letter.
Tika,
You are totally out of your mind. Sending me an SMS out of the blue and asked me to pick you up today! Of course you made me dreadful. Besides I read your message too belatedly, now I am in Indramayu. You know, since a week ago I promised to help Doctor Budi.
It is impossible to withdraw that promise. Give my best regard to Tika.
Hopefully that she wont be offended with my failure to see her today.
See you soon, your brother, BK.
I folded that letter and put it under the ashtray.Tika had done with her coffee and put it on the table, together with a full-size Omellet and slices of tomato on the top of it.
“I only found them on the refrigerator,”said Tika,”I hope Bhaskara comes home with the supermarket sacks”.
“I am not really hungry,”I said,”There is only one thing that I want to do, which is sleeping till the morning breaks, and wake up with spanking new energy so that I can walk to get pleasure from the pine trees”.
“You’d better wake up early,”said Tika,”Then you can take a picture till you drop”
I sipped the coffee until nothings left. The warmth was unswervingly spread over my body. In the meantime, I heard the resonant thundering on the sky.
“Raining,”said Tika,”I hope Bhaskara is on his way home”.
We were chatting until late of night while waiting Bhaskara. But Bhaskara had not been home yet. Finally, because of our intolerable exhaust, we went upstairs and sank ourselves to the comfortable mattress. In the middle of the night when the lights off and the sound of thundering and heavy raindrops hit the Pine Cottages roof, I let my mind flew back to the old memories in London, especially to my strange closeness with Jane Simmons.
It was in a dinner in Dads wedding day. Actually, that simple dinner was only for relatives and some close friends. Our small house located in the north of London city would not be able to welcome greater guests. Besides, Dad insisted on his modest wedding party. Beside Jane, Robert, who was at that time still stayed in the second floor of our house, also came and the married couple of Professor Ron Millinghan. Jane talked a lot about Larasati and sometimes threw few comments or topics to Robert and I. Larasati introduced Jane as a humble girl for her keenness to come to the dinner of her fathers previous clerk. That night, Jane’s blond hair was shining because of the luminosity of the lamps and her simple white dress showed her juvenile age. One remarkable thing that grabbed my attention to Jane was her habit to alter the topics, which we were talking about; she seemed to find difficulties to stick on one certain theme until it was fully discussed.
“I really love to wake up early in the morning,”said Jane to me, throwing a different topic with the previous subject that my stepmother and I were discussing,”It feels so stunning when I can enjoy a day that wakes up from its slumber gradually and when I witness the shifting atmosphere from the dark and the quietness to the bright, busy and noisy circumstance. Sometimes I enjoy to see the mist lifted gradually from the surface of the earth, and if you are in the village or in the forest, you could even see obviously that the mist will be lifted little by little like a white screen, which formerly hampered our sight, to be gone on the air, emerging the tree trunks and the dense of leaves that used to be covered up, have you ever been to the British villages, haven’t you Siska?”
“Yes, I remember. I have ever been to New Forrest Village; it can be reached for about one and half hours in the western city of London. The village is well-known for its policy to let the horses walk around the city without anything that can irritate them. There was a wide forest near the peoples residence. Sometimes, we can find those horses walking in the middle of the street or neighing in front of the bookstore, at the gas station or craning their head into the car that is parked, like living the safari world.”
“Last week I watched the newest musical concert by Jonathan Webber,”said Jane, she suddenly altered her topic,”He began to be Asian oriented, and his performance got an inspiration from the India. The Bombay Paradise, that’s what he gave the title for his performance, and I thought, it was a marvelous performance. I loved to see their multi-coloured dresses with the golden touch and the dynamic dance movements. The music rhythm may not ring a bell in my ear and sometimes it teases us to shake our body”.
“Did you understand the lyric that they were singing?”I asked.
“Not for the entire lyric but I still can enjoy it”.
“Mmm, this cookie tastes so yummy. Did you make it, Laras?”
“Through their face expressions and the movements they made, you can comprehend the message within its story, even though we do not understand the language they spoke,” said Robert without taking any trouble with Jane who was now busy talking with my stepmother,”Sometimes I do the same thing while watching the opera in Italy”.
Although the chemistry between Jane and I was not really impressive in our first met, Jane and I still drop a line to each other. Occasionally she called me, asked me to have a coffee drink in the West End or Covent Garden site. Sometimes she asked me to accompany her shopping, and had a lunch in the places where she loved to hang around. Gradually, I began to be Janes baby-sitter; substituted Laras-who was recently my mom- previous position. One day on the phone, I heard Jane sobbing, forced me to see her in her apartment. Her voice was so heavy and husky; her nose was clogged that gave her a difficulty to breathe.
“I’d better terminate my life, I just want to die” that’s what she said to me.
I rushed to take a cab; I went upstairs hastily to where her apartment was located, pulled the unlocked door and caught Jane nailed still on the sofa. When she saw me coming, she immediately took me into her embrace. She cried in an outburst.
“What’s wrong Jane?” I asked her frantically.
“I don’t know why, Siska, I just feel so sorrowful” said Jane,”I may be so lonesome. This loneliness is so bitter and stingingly painful, it lashes my heart and makes me want to die. I hate this world!”
“I guess you need a mate, Jane”
“No man wants to be my mate, Siska”, they just want to get inside into my pants. They don’t want to take a part of my personal troubles”.
“What are your personal matters?”
Jane shook her head, the tears were running down her cheeks and made the skin around her eyes and cheek to become red and puffy,”I don’t even have an idea”
Since that moment I knew that Jane suffered despair, a mental illness that I was afraid of too. Sometimes, when my depression happened at the same time with Jane’s, both of us could cry out loud together. Occasionally, I wish I could throw down forcefully all the things in her apartment or burn her apartment or even hurt myself. A pack of cigarette was enough to calm me down while Jane needed glasses of alcohol. As the times went by, Janes dependency on me became greater, even though I did not really want Janes presence, especially since I went on steady with Robert. I had found a firm figure that could calm my labile-and-vexed emotion and encourage me to seek advice from a psychologist every time this heart-rending feeling went through me, however, now Robert was so far from me, he was out of my reach that longed for his physical appearance. I tried to close my eyes and calmed down my flaming heart.
It was still early in the morning when I woke up the day after. I ran to go downstairs and saw Tika who was cooking in the kitchen.
“Morning, has Bhaskara come home already?”I asked.
“Yup, he has,”said Tika while peeling the potatoes,”He is looking after the baby cow that was born”.
I went to the bathroom immediately. The water was as cold as ice. Today I wore a dark-blue-cotton blouse and bell-bottom jeans. I faintly heard Tikas voice chatting in the kitchen. After going out from the bathroom, a big-brownish dog knocked me down, put his two legs on my shoulders. Its breath was heavy and gasping, its tongue was back and forth made me quite scared of it.
“He wants to say welcome for you, Siska” said Tika while laughing.”Oh, hello Ranko! Good morning, I greeted”
Ranko was barking to respond me. A second later, he left his grip of me.
“What a friendly dog, isn’t he?”a voice interrupted.
I turned my head. For few seconds I could not say anything, staring at Bhaskara who stood at the entrance door. He was not the telephone pole any longer. His body was not as skinny as he used to be and he had brighter skin though his eyes were still as sharp as an eagle.
“Hi”, Bhaskara came closer to me and stood right in front of me,”What are you looking at lady?”
I looked at him ,”You look so gorgeous now, I said sincerely”
Bhaskara smiled,”Thank you, you seem not changing. Still not pretty” Afterward he laughed at his own joke. I pulled his body aside so I could walk through and sat on the dining table.
“Have you gone shopping?”I asked Bhaskara.
“Not yet”, he sat right next to me,”I had to stay for a night in Doctor Budi’s house and came home in a rush. Let Tika who goes downtown, we do still have food until tomorrow morning”
“There is nothing left, sir,” Tika grumbled while serving the meal on the table, “Unless if you want to gnaw the door”
The breakfast consisted of only three small bowls of potato soup and slices of roasted-buttered bread and boiled eggs.
There isn’t rice?”asked Bhaskara sceptically.
“There isn’t,”said Tika,”I woke up late this morning so I had no time to cook rice”
“If I hadn’t gone to see Doctor Budi” said Bhaskara as he dipped his bread in soup,”I usually have more time to cook chicken porridge in the morning”.
“There are four tomatoes left in the refrigerator”, Tika continued as if she had not wanted to listen at her brothers teasing allusion,”Do you think thats enough for today’s brunch?”
“I think thats enough” I said,”I can make something delicious by making use of the butter or the chickens fat”
Bhaskara furrowed his forehead as a signal of not understanding to what I was talking about.
“Ah, I know what you like!?”exclaimed Tika,”Let me make it. This is the easiest recipe that we used to cook when we were children”
Tika went to the corner of the kitchen instantaneously, took out four fresh tomatoes and stared at them with a smile. Few seconds afterward, Tika was busy to turn on the stove and boil the chicken fat into the frying pan, and when that chicken fat melted and made a delicious aroma, she put those slices of tomato into it. Tika turned off the stove after the boiling bubble from those tomatoes had slackened. Acting as if she had been a hotel chef, she put that dish on a flat dinner plate, poured a bit of pepper, salt, flavoring spice and sweet sauce after that she placed it in front of me.
Bhaskaras face became more skeptics to see it. “How does it taste?”he asked.
“Why don’t you taste it?”
He took a slice of tomato and ate it. Out of the blue, Bhaskaras face changed, it looked like that a strange thing went into his mouth while Tika laughed loudly with a high pitch.
“Not bad…,”said Bhaskara,”….to make my stomach queasy”
“Don’t you dare to spill all of your bellys stuffing to the dining table”, I said

*****

Part Five

Bhaskara


That Pine Forest was broader than what I thought before. The ground was not flat but hilly and sloped slightly at certain places so the green color of those trees could be seen in the distance. Ranko walked and rounded me; his tongue was back and forth while once a while he barked happily.
“There is a river near here”, said Bhaskara broke the silence ,”It filled with big rocks and the water is so cold and clear2.
“Do you go there often?”I asked.
“Thats one of my favourite places if I want to be on my own,”said Bhaskara,”If you stay here longer, you can swim there with Ranko, there are parts of the river that quite deep, which you can do swimming”.
“When I decided to come here, I just want to accompany Tika to spend her holiday,”I said in a modest tone,”While guessing my future….”
We made ourselves to be silent. Walking through the slightly sloped and rocky path, and heard the bird singing. Sometimes the way we choose to pass it by was too slippery and was covered by the pine leaves, which had already been yellowish and fell. Few moments afterwards, we turned up at the big river whose water was clear. Incredibly clear.
“You are right,”I said,”This River is so beautiful”.
“I frequently go fishing and swimming here,”said Bhaskara,”Of course at the time when the water is not too chilly”
I sank my palms to my pocket jeans. I did not know why, there was an odd feeling that haunted me still. A numb feeling or a sensation that told my fate was hovered under the darkness of an indistinguishable future. That river swiftly reminded me to Thames River that was iced over the winter, to the path covered by the rocks that stretched along its both sides, and to the dormitory building where Robert resided for the last time.
“Talking about the future,” Bhaskara unexpectedly said,”I remembered to have read a advertisement from the newspaper”.
“About what?” I asked inquisitively.
“There is a printing company that needs some photographers. Are you interested?”
I stared at him enthusiastically,”Of course! May I know where the address is?”
“I let the newspaper on my car but opportunely I have a friend who works there. Let me give you the advertisement shortly. Mmm you should enclose some of your pictures to that newspaper too”
“I have them with me right now. Some of them are the best pictures I have ever snapped” I said.
Bhaskara raised his eyebrows,”Can I see them ?”
“Certainly. However, most of my pictures I bring here are the result of my snap pictures when I was in Spain?”
“Spain?” asked Bhaskara astoundedly,”I never knew that you had been there”
“Ah, Jane who paid all of the expenses when I suffered bronchitis, the scenery was gorgeous, very beautiful…”
“She must be a very rich girl,”said Bhaskara as he gave a comment,”And you are so lucky to know her.”
“Almost all of the people I knew said the same thing as yours, but she is not as kind as you thought. She was too much dominating me, considering me as her doll that can be set-up as she wishes.”
We came to into silence for a second time. Staring at the fast current river flows that produced a mysterious clamorous sound.
“You are surely thinking of someone now,” added Bhaskara.
I turned my head, “Who?”
“Who?” Bhaskara repeated,”If I am not mistaken, his name is James, Oh, no, Robbie or Robert, am I right his name is Robert?”
I threw my sight to the green pine trees across the river. Robert, I thought, why did that name always haunt me Why oh why We had been separated for six months and Robert had not sent me even one single postcard and he never replied my long e-mails, which were written with full of my longing to him. He did not call me either, asked me how I was. Didn’t he want to know how I was at present Didn’t he miss me I shut my eyes. Suddenly I burst into tears together with my perception that shortly I would loose Robert, that I could never reach him anymore.
“Oh, Siska! I am sorry!” Bhaskara suddenly shouted, he pulled me into his embrace, he let me cry,”I am sorry Fransiska. Please forgive me. Really don’t mean to break your heart.

* * ***

At night, we decided to play Scotland Yard, a game that I brought from England. Tika and I took a position as a Scotland Yard detective while Bhaskara became the fugitive. We put that wide game board on the dining table after putting aside all the dishes. As a fugitive or Mr. X, Bhaskara had an invincible pawn, Tikas job and mine had to find the clue of Bhaskaras invincible pawn. The game became more exciting since Bhaskara was so quick-witted and tricky to swift Mr. Xs position from one region to the other region on the London citys map. He also stirred us up into trouble successfully to travel from one position into the other position without effectively caught Bhaskaras pawn. When I ran out tickets for the subway and the bus, Tika and I finally could guess Bhaskaras pawn that was across our pawns, which was located not too far from the place where Tikas and my pawn were located. Tikas attempt to run after Mr. X by using her last ticket was totally in vain since my ticket could not back Tikas ticket up. At the end of the game, Bhaskaras pawn was only few more steps from Tikas pawn but my pawn was too far to reach Bhaskaras pawn.
“Its useless to chase after him, Tika” I said,”We run out tickets, meanwhile Mr. X has already been in nowhere”
“Well, what can you do?”said Bhaskara,”You are not smart detectives”.
“You didn’t cheat us, did you?asked Tika anxiously to find it out,”Let me see! I want to see Mr. Xs notes for his steps!” She swooped down and seized that little game board, which was used by Bhaskara to note down Mr. Xs step positions, Tika tried to comprehend it, reconstructed the steps that we had been taken since the beginning of the game until the end of the game, this time, we could see to wherever Bhaskaras pawn ran when we tried to chase him. At a point, Tika admitted her defeat, not to continue her analysis for our mistakes. Bhaskara later suggested to sit on the cottages terrace while sipping the coffee.
“Let me boil the water and make the coffee for all of us,”said Bhaskara as he stood and walked to the kitchen table,”What do you like, Siska, Coffee milk or Cappuccino?”
“Cappuccino for me,”I answered back.
“Coffee milk for me but without sugar!” said Tika who had already moved to the bathroom.
I also decided to go to the cottages terrace. When I opened the window, the humid night wind suddenly blew on my face. It was a very dark night; maybe it was because of the sky that was covered by the gray clouds. The half moon seemed to hide behind the cloud and its light was dim with its not-too-bright-and-white-coloured light as the luminosity of fluorescent light. It was so muted and hazily. On that small terrace tiled with sedimentary rock formation, there was a small-white-rattan table, two rattan chairs together with their checked pattern cushions and a long-seated sway that swung back and forth since it was blown by the wind. I decided to sit on the sway, while I also tried to listen to the hardly heard owl flitted behind the dense leaves of the pine trees.
Coffees are ready Bhaskara showed himself from the backdoor while holding two large cups on his two hands. He handed over one cup to me while he kept holding the other cup and sat on the rattan chair in front of me, Tika changed her mind, she went to the room upstairs, getting stomachache.
Only a dark shadow that I could see from the figure of Bhaskara who sat while holding his coffee cup tightly, the blur of the moonlight that feel down on the Bhaskaras back made the silvery light bounced back on the part of his body and his hair. Not long afterward, I saw Ranko appear from the side of the yard, moving gently to come closer to Bhaskaras feet while barking in a high pitch. Faintly heard, I took notice of the hidden owl that flitted behind the dense of the trees.
“Strigiformes,” said Bhaskara broke the silent between us that made me quite surprised,”The Latin name of the owl, even though the species that we have here tend to be in the family of Phodilus. This species is handsomer than the other species, its white-furry face with the black line around it makes it as if it wears a mask, in a distance, it looks like the face of a human”.
“Did you bring it here?”
Bhaskara nodded his head, sipped his coffee and continued his sentence,”I bought it in the market for wild animals in Jakarta, luckily, and there are many mice, their main source of food. You know, the owl has a sensitive sense of hearing. It can hear the resonance in the range from 15 to 20 kilohertz. So, even though it has a poor sight because it is color-blind, it can still detect the motions of those mice in the dark. I begin to think of buying the other female bird so they can breed themselves and live peacefully in this forest.”
“You are totally an animal lover”.
Bhaskara raised his shoulders” What can I say? thats why I choose to be a veterinarian”.
“Oh yeah, I forgot that. By the way, how did thes tory go until you become a veterinarian? What have you done through these ten years?”
“Are you really interested to know the story of my life?” asked Bhaskara as he raised one of his eyebrows. “Alright then, you’d better listen to me carefully. After I graduated from high school, I was accepted in two majors at once: Faculty of Engineering and Faculty of Biology. At that time I had set my heart on Faculty of Biology but our parents did not approve it because they thought that Faculty of Biology was too abstract, what kind of job do the graduates majoring Biology can obtain Besides being a scientist or a lecturer, the probability to have a better job is too unpromising, its lack of variety. As their son, my parents certainly hoped that I could major engineering or economics, at least I could take a major that guarantees a very promising profession with high-paid salary. Nevertheless, I chose Biology not because of my job or for my career, but because I find irresistible in Biology, especially things related to animals. What a tiresome story, isn’t?”
“No, it is not,” I said sincerely,” Go on”.
“When I was in my third year in Faculty of Biology, I made my mind up to adjust to veterinary science. Three years later I got an offer to Germany for few months to be a representative student in Tier Medizin where I met Palupi”
“Palupi…?”
“My fiancée, mmmmy former fiancée,” said Bhaskara in his low tone as he sipped his last coffee. For a while, I lost his faces shadow that hid behind the dark night,”Well, then I came back to Indonesia and opened a practice together with my two friends in Kebayoran Baru region that runs well until now. We intentionally split our times carefully so that we can have enough time to enjoy our holiday or go on with our study or do a research, just like I am doing recently with Doctor Budi in Indramayu”.
I heard the flitting owl another time, louder than before, but that sound wasn’t interested me any more. Bhaskara’s deep and low voice had asked all of my attention. His sight was still as sharp as an eagle, and his hand rubbed gently the neck of Ranko that sat calmly beside his length legs and through times I didn’t care about his personal life. And Palupi? Did that name shattered tonight’s quietness?
“I dont know that you had ever studied in Germany,”I said.
“There is nothing to be proud of from that, Siska. Besides, throughout this time we almost lost our contact, except Tika who tried constantly to call you and Edwin”.
“I am sorry for that,” I regretted,”For these four years, I have been busied by other bric-a-brac, besides of course you knew that I have changed”
“It Is a normal thing, an alteration from the childhood to the adolescent moreover being abroad for ten years you must have met different people who were much closer to you, who probably more understood about your living matters in a foreign country even if there is one and most likely to have the same life experience with you. You know, in Germany I often hiked to the mountain to collect mushrooms,”said Bhaskara who shifted the conversation topic,”A species namely Boletus Edulis or steinpilz or if I have to translate it then it becomes the rock mushroom, I found it a lot in the forest of Southern Germany. We usually hiked in September to November as the harvest time for that simple fast-growing plant with its fleshy stem supporting a broad rounded top, we occasionally found a species of white mushroom or Agaricus Arvensis that grows up as a colony with undersized mass, it usually grows rapidly after the rain falls. Both of them taste delicious if you cook and serve them properly but I have to be very cautious if I collect those Arvensis mushroom since its color and form are rather similar with the toadstool namely Agaricus Xanthodema, are you an enthusiast of mushrooms too, Siska?”
“Yes, fair enough”, I said, astounded with Bhaskaras interest to the nature,”But my capability is limited to taste its deliciousness only and I am not able to distinguish between the poisonous and not, besides I don’t aware to each mushrooms name, not even its Latin name”.
Bhaskara chuckled,”Next time I take you for a walk to look for the mushrooms around here; moreover, in the remote area of Kalimantan forest, there is a species of fungus that produces the brightness like fluorescent light. That fungus produces phosphor so it lights brightly in the dark, so beautiful, its bright shine makes its appearance becomes so mystifying. I think its poison content is strong enough to be flavored together by us”
I laughed at his joke. I heard the sound of the owl once more from the pine forest, made me conscious that the night was getting late. I said goodnight to Bhaskara and he said goodnight to me, he hoped that I could have sweet dream. As I walked to the door and was about to enter the cottage room, I turned my head. I saw Bhaskara still busy rubbing the neck of Ranko that was sleeping; his body was half bended down to the face since Rankos position lain on the floor. At the last minute before I shifted my sight to the front, he lifted his face, stared at me. His mouth moved as if he would like to say some words to me but his voice was restrained until I closed that cottages door behind my back. That night, I slept more soundly and had a sweet dream.

*****

Part Six

The Pine Cottage

Three days before we got ready to leave the Pine Cottage, I felt something strange in my body. I got a headache, I was running a temperature and I felt that I wanted to nauseate. The next morning I ran downstairs straight away, looked for a bathroom and afterwards I threw up all the contents of my stomach through my mouth to the water closet.
“I hope it doesn’t indicate a terrible thing”, said Tika who stood at the bathrooms door, stared at me with her pale face.
Sat on the toilet, I felt my body shivering. I could understand through Tikas face her angst, which probably as much as I felt my anguish at this moment.
“You are fine, aren’t you ?”sked Tika afterwards.
I bent my head. I closed my eyes while guessing what was the point that really made my feeling to be perplexed. “I’ve got to call home,” I finally said,”Asking whether there is news for me from London”.
Tika breathed a sigh,”Alright, if that what you want. It means we have to go downtown since our mobiles get no signal at all. You know it, don’t you? Thats why Bhaskara did not get the message I sent at the moment went here. But dont you think youd better stay for a rest, Siska Let me go downtown so at the same time I can go shopping for our daily needs and go to the post office to check our mailbox there”.
I was of the same opinion with Tika, I decided to take a rest for a while to neutralize my body’s condition. The morning was still early at about five a.m., the foggy layer seemed to dampen the tip of those falling leaves on the ground. Going back to my room, I laid my body on the bed; I held the bedclothes up my neck to put aside the coldness I felt over my body. I saw Tika going upstairs to be ready going downtown. Before leaving, she gave her time to put the back of her hand to check how my temperature was.
“I’ll drop in a pharmacy, she said, We need a thermometer, aspirin, and probably pregnancy test kit, what do you think?”
I felt my body shivering as I heard the last sentence but I tried to think as level-headed as I could, I had no idea what had happened to my body, didn’t I?”Good idea” I said,”But I wish that I would be fine within few hours, I hope that I am just poisoned by the mushroom that Nursimah cooked last night. And for God sake, a pregnancy test after 6 months leaving Robert? Its crazy, Tika”
I saw Tika raise her shoulders and gave me her sceptical face,”Too bad Bhaskara is in Indramayu now. If he were here, he surely could diagnose what disease you are suffering now, Siska. I’ll try to contact him as I arrive in the town”.
“Thank you”, I said sincerely,”beside,Bhaskara is a vetenarian not a doctor, remember?”
At two p.m. I was awakened. I felt my body much better. No more nausea or fever like I underwent before. The sweat soaked me but my heart felt less worried to see the progress of my condition. I got off from my bed carefully, took a white blouse and beige
cotton shorts and underwear, and afterwards went down through the stairs. Today the weather was so sunny; the sun shone brightly to the Pine Cottage and made the underside room to be dazzling. The breeze blew smoothly, moved the vine repeatedly, which was hung over the curtain. I did see neither Tika nor Bhaskara, which means both of them were still at the town. In the kitchen, Nursimah was mopping the floor. She smiled shyly when she saw go downstairs and walk to the bathroom. After taking a bath, I felt my body fresh. I decided to take a walk in the Pine Forest while waiting for Tikas and Bhaskaras coming.
At the entrance I slammed into Bhaskara who stepped inside the cottage. My body was unsteady but Bhaskara reached my shoulders instantly and put me into my previous position.
“I thought that you are still in Dr. Budi’s house!” I said half shouting because of a great surprise.
“I have come back since an hour ago. Tika called me; she said that you were ill, thats why I chose to go back to the Pine Cottage straight away. The horse that is going to give a birth is less important than the ailment that you suffer, Siska,” said Bhaskara in his low tone, the glow of his eyes became lustreless,”When I saw sleeping soundly and your temperature began to be normal, I think that you are fine”.
“Indeed, I am fine”.
“Yeah but we’d better go to the doctor as we arrive in Jakarta”.
“I am hungry now”.
I saw Bhaskaras smiling and made his face to be handsomer,”I know that, now come with me, Ill show you something”.
I let him hold my hand and take me to the yard beside the house, near the short fence that was covered by the dense of yellow bamboo trees.
“Look at that corner!” he shouted proudly.
I turned my head to look for the direction that was pointed by Bhaskara. There was one big densely bougainvillea tree situated on the back wall near the cottage wall. Beneath it, I saw a barbecue was flaring up, there were some sticks of raw meat on it, which spread out yummy flavour. Near the barbecue, there was a wooden table covered with a tablecloth in blue-and-white checked pattern. On the table, I saw a plate of rice, a bottle of sauce, a full basket of apple, one teapot and two tiny cakes with two candles coloured pink on it. All the plates and the cups were made from white porcelain with the same design of blue flowers. On both side of the table there were four short wooden chairs.
“Whats all of this, Bhas? Do you have a barbeque party?Who all will come”
“What is all of this?” repeated Bhaskara as if he mocked at my naïve,”Sit here, Siska.”
I did what he said. We sat face to face on those short wooden chairs. Suddenly, Bhaskara took a bouquet of rose laid on the table and handed to me afterwards. “Happy birthday”, he said.
My face turned pale. I felt my palm became cold. I tried to hide my true feeling that turned to be perplexed all of a sudden. I stared at him with my suspicious eyes,”I even forgot that today is my birthday, besides I do not wish you to remember my birthday”.
“Why?”
“So you can not guess how old I am”.
Bhaskara burst into laugh. I was just aware that his teeth were well spaced. His face might not as perfect as the statue of gods. The sharpness of his sharp nose looked as if it was nearly broken, and pair of his eyes like the eyes of an eagleimplied a glow of magic. I threw my sight from that dangerous living object. Bhaskara served the kebobs proudly and waited until I chewed one slice of the meat, later he asked.
“How is it?”
“Very delicious. Thank you, Bhaskara”, I said honestly,”How kind of you”.
The two of us gobbled down our food. In fact, both Tika and Bhaskara were excellent chefs. Later we enjoyed Jasmine Tea with sour fruit sugar and tasted the chocolate cakes Bhaskara bought in the town. Out of the blue, without saying a word, he reached my hand and kissed the back of my palm; his sharp sight stared at my stunning face.
“Fransiska,”he said with his deep voice,”Don’t you know that I fall in love with you?”
Now I felt the skin of my face became cold. The shadows of the past seemed to tear me apart, dashed me against the reality, and forced me to face it. God, please don’t let me fall in love again because it just torture me inside.
“You don’t know me”, I said slowly.
“How long do you think people have to take some times to know each other and later they fall in love?” Asked Bhaskara in a rhetoric way.”I’ve known you since you were still trying to walk as a toddler. Isn’t that enough?”
“You haven’t known me well,” I said in disagreement.
My heart seemed to blow up, my eyes turned red, imagining if Bhaskara had known all of my past.
“I have known everything, Fransiska” said Bhaskara half desperate,”About your relationship with Jane, about your Bronchitis, your fathers marriage, about you and Robert, and the worries that crushes you for the uncertainty relationship between you and RobertI know everything from Tika. But please, don’t get mad at her, I am the one who asked her. I will accept you for whoever you are, whatever life you used to encompass”.
“But still I can not”
“Why can’t?”
I bent down my head. My wide hat was beneficial to cover my tears that began to run down over my cheeks. You know, I am deeply in love with Robert
Quite. That atmosphere covered us for about five minutes. At the same time, I heard the purring of a car engine in a distance, followed by the blowing of the automobile horn and I saw Nursimah running to open the gate to let Tika come inside with her jeep. I saw Tika with her shining face got off from the car while holding the sacks from the supermarket.
“Hello, good morning!”she said as she sat beside me,”Happy birthday, Siska”.
“Thank you,”I said sincerely. Tika hugged me and kissed both of my cheeks.
“’ve got a present for you,”said Tika,” And for you too Bhaskara”.
“For me ?”asked Bhaskara bewilderedly.
“Yes, for you,”said Tika as she blinked her eye,”I gave my time to call home, and you know what news I got from Jakarta? Palupi is there, Mom said, Palupi will leave to the Pine Cottage today and Mom cannot handle her eagerness to see her ideal veterinarian”.
“Tika,” interrupted Bhaskara.
I saw Tika laughing to see her brothers reaction,”Anyway she will come tomorrow morning, even though she knows that we will come back to Jakarta in three days”.
“Excuse me,”I interrupted,”Is this a personal discussion?”
“Oh, Fransiska, do forgive me” said Tika quite astounded,”I almost forgot about you. Here are two letters for you, it seemed that Edwin deliberately sent these letters to our mailbox, one from London and the other one from Jakarta”.
My heart seemed to stop beating; I took those to letters awkwardly.
I saw Bhaskara stood up, “I’ll go for a while,”he said flatly.
“To where?”asked Tika,”Going to the train station and fetching Palupi?Oh, Bhas, don’t be in a rush, the princess will arrive tomorrow night or may be the day after tomorrow. I am sure she has sent you a message, the problem is only that we don’t get a signal in this pine hill”.
Bhaskara did not respond. He took the car key, and he left us. There was a strange feeling that swirled low in my body. Who Palupi is actually? Someone to whom Bhaskara considered as his former fiancée. Then why she has to come to the Pine Cottage? Is she pretty?I was surprised. What is my business on her? Or am I jealous? I closed my eyes a moment, trying to erase the memory about the love statement Bhaskara told minutes ago, also to wipe away the gaze of his sharp eagles sight and his naïve and appealing smile. No, I said to myself, there is still Robert in my heart.
“Siska” suddenly Tika asked me,”I forgot to tell you, I have already promised Nursimah to see a place where animal husbandries milk a cow. Do you want to join?We can learn how to milk a cow at once there, well just take it as a new experience in your birthday”
“No, thank you,”I said. I read the letter from the publishing house in Jakarta. They invited me for an interview with the personnel division the week after.The other letter was anonymous but the stamp with the picture of Queen Elizabeth II was stick to it, and I immediately put it on my pocket. I let the gift from Tika still orderly wrapped; I would open it in the dinner tonight since I promised to have a dinner together. When Tika had already gone, I went inside the cottage to look for Ranko. That dog was sitting under the stairs and when he saw me coming, that dog immediately stood up and barked raucously.
“Do you want to come?” I asked
I pulled his necklace and brought him to the Pine Forest. A few moment later, Ranko had already been barking loudly and rounding me. The letter from Robert was still with me, saved in my jeans pocket. Still my mind was so anxious. Ranko had already been far in front and kept barking, asking me to follow him. The path we passed began to slope slightly until I found Ranko drinking from the river.
“You are thirsty, arent you?” I said to him,” Is it fresh?”
Ranko turned his head, woofing a while and after that he continued to drink. Now I had enough guts to open the letter from Robert. A proposing request letter? News to tell me that he would come to see me or ask me to come back to England? Or news that then he had finished his study? I tore the envelope with trembling hands. The letter was short, written a week ago.

Dear Fransiska,
I hope you are fine there. I have finished my thesis. I plan to get married with Jane summer this year. Don’t get surprised and don’t ask me what love is, because I have no idea whether there is a love or not between us.
I hope you can understand the truth, and I hope you can get your joy back in your country.
Hugs and kisses,
Robert

I read that letter once more, and one more time. What did a love mean What My head seemed to blow up. The mixture of feelings crushed me hard. Disappointment, soreness, flared up angriness, and a severe franticness. Did he think that I was crazy Did he think that I was only his doll, which could be thrown out anytime he wished to After I sacrificed the whole lot After a long time I had been waiting for news from him, got staggered each night just to think about him And Jane, Jane Simmons whom all this time I considered her as my best friend burst into crying.
The sound of my weeping tried to win the clamorous of the river in front of me. I stepped my feet to the river border, step by step I moved steadily, its water dampened my jeans. I did not listen to Rankos bark behind me. The cold water gradually went higher and higher and drowned my body. In the middle of the river, I saw a big rock blocking me. My emotion was not under my control anymore. I climbed that rock and I poured my rainy weather tears there. I lain my body with the face staring at the darkening sky. All of my clothes were soaked, and my body was shivering but I did not give a damn. Rankos bark became faintly heard in a distance. The day was getting dark and I could not feel my frozen toes. The clamorous river kept pitching in the middle of my sobbing. After a long I lost Rankos bark, I could hear it another time, got closer and closer.
Not long afterward, I heard Tika calling my name. I felt my head spinning around. The freezing air seemed to stab my body until I felt a strong hand pulled me over, held me up back to go along the river, broke through the night. I opened my eyes. Under the moonlight, I saw Bhaskaras face that bent down, and stared at me with a culminated angriness.
“You are a fool!” he hissed,”Why are you still hoping someone who’s out of your reach!?”
“Is she fine!?” shouted Tika heard from the dark.
Bhaskara bent down his head more. He kissed me. At an instant, his warm lips fused with my lips that were cold and wet. Unhurriedly but convincingly, he walked to the edge of the river while holding me up.”Yes! She is fine!” cried Bhaskara answering Tikas worry.
I heard Tikas cheerful cry, followed by Rankos continuous bark, so piercing, cracking the silent of the night.

THE END

Munich, August 31st 2002